Yahoo has tapped into the Great Male Hivemind to find out what food all men everywhere hate. Apparently, you do this by asking a couple of dudes what kind of food they aren’t fond of. Judging by this logic and the dietary habits of my roommate Justin, all men subsist on mozzarella cheese sticks, cheese pizza, waffles with cheese and Mountain Dew (apparently cheeseless).
Now, NSWATM’s male readers might be all, “wait a minute. I just kind of eat food that tastes good/is nutritious/will fit in with my rigorous bodybuilding schedule. How am I supposed to know if I’m eating the right food? What if, all along, I’ve been eating food that is hopelessly unmasculine?”
Never fear. I have read the list of Foods Men Hate and synthesized a few rules for how men are supposed to eat.
First, men don’t care about animal rights. Why would they? After all, when the cavemen were hunting the mammoth to feed you, there weren’t a lot of namby-pamby PETA* motherfuckers running about with clipboards trying to figure out whether the mammoth had been hit with too many stone arrowheads. Therefore, men don’t want menus that mention whether the animals are ethically raised, they don’t want to eat tofu or any other source of non-meat protein and they certainly don’t want to eat vegan.
Second, men don’t like healthy food. Men absolutely despise brown rice on sushi, for instance. They hate raw food– chopped-up carrots in ranch dressing isn’t for Real Men, it’s for women on diets (assuming that saying “women” and “on a diet” isn’t redundant, of course! Ha ha I crack myself up someone kill me now). And they absolutely, utterly, entirely despise vegetables. This is because men are basically five-year-olds with a sex drive, and you wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to think that something could possibly taste good if it isn’t neon-colored with a cartoon character on front.
Third, men don’t like fancy food. Hamburgers should be made with buns, not sourdough! Gourmet burgers are suspect! You may think this is somewhat odd, as “Ken, systems analyst” thinks that guacamole should cost ten dollars when everyone, or at least every broke college student, knows you can get as much guac as you want for free at Moe’s, but the only logical conclusion is that men both dislike fancy food and are not very good with money. Also, that dude who was interviewed for the article who ran a “Virtual Gourmet Newsletter” isn’t a real man. I mean, he’s a food editor! Probably a fag.
Fourth, men hate tableside guacamole. Don’t know why, they just do.
So you’ve got yourself the perfect meal: sliders (made with only the most tortured factory-farm beef, of course– their tears flavor your food), cupcakes and macaroons. It’s unhealthy! It’s not fancy! Tabletop guac doesn’t make an appearance! It’s everything a man could want!
Unfortunately, no. You see, men hate small things. We don’t know why. Maybe it’s a phallic thing. But the point is, you are not allowed to eat any small burgers. You are not allowed to eat any small cakes. And you are definitely not allowed to eat any small… egg-white… sugar… things. Especially not ones that are named in French! French people are just cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
To recap:
- No food that involves treating animals well.
- No healthy food.
- No fancy food.
- No table guacamole.
- No small food.
Just follow these five simple rules, and you too will be able to Eat like a Man ™!
*PETA sucks. This message has been brought to you by the Coalition for Reasonable Vegans.
Thing of Things 
You forgot chilli peppers. We ‘men’ love that shit, and the hotter the better, ’cause there’s nothing like painful food to show how manly we are;)
Although owning a penis, cooking with chilli, and being slightly forgetful when taking a piss is no fun at all…
Seriously though, you have been knocking it out of the park the last few days, a new Ozy post is the first thing I open when I see it, keep it up!
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LOL at “new” post
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Ozy’ real restriction for male diets: No eggplant.
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OK, that one’s true. At least if real men means men like me, and what else should it mean?
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I loved eggplant when I was young.
I wonder! Did eggplant turn me trans?!?!
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And I only started enjoying eggplant after I transitioned*. Coincidence?!
*I also only started eating eggplant after I transitioned because no one had ever cooked it for me.
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As a man, here’s some anecdotes from my life which counter all the points Ozy is parodying. Now, anecdotes alone aren’t sufficient to make a case. However, in skeptics circles, there is a quote known as Hitchens’ Razor:
“That which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.”
I propose a corollary:
“That which is asserted with only anecdotes can be dismissed with only anecdotes.”
While, statistically, many more women than men are vegan, among my acquaintances in the animal rights movement, the most vocal activists I know are the men. There are more men than their are women (though not dramatically), but the animal rights activists I know who appear to shout the loudest are men.
While I observe men tend to eat fewer vegetables, I know more men who are finicky regarding food, for health reasons, than women. That’s because I know some interested in the Paleo (family of) diets, as well as some gymrats who are focused on eating lean. As the least picky eater I know, I myself perceive these men prissier than even the women I know who sometimes avoid red meat and whatnot. Also, Paleo guys want grass-fed lean beef which is expensive, and makes eating burgers a pain.
Men I know concerned with attractiveness tend to dress better, exercise more, and prefer fancier foods. Plenty of guys I know talk about craft beers and gourmet pizzas and their favorite fusion restaurants. This runs the gamut from hipsters to nerds to “guys’ guys”.
My circle of friends is more male than female, so, if I’m in a bubble of “masculine” dietary preferences, I’d expect to perceive more of the preferences Ozy is parodying. However, this isn’t the case. Now, my circle of male friends is more likely to be university-educated, and, frankly, effete. However, the gnarlier, more macho among them are their friends as well, and seem just as happy to drop more money on fancier, refined, and gourmet food. Point: Ozy
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Frankly, if we removed all the negative effects to one’s body that gastronomical superstimuli can cause, and made the food available for free or at a symbolic cost – how many people wouldn’t eventually spiral into having the preferences of a five-year-old?
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This is me. I count my calories to make sure I’m not eating too much, and also check to make sure I’m getting all the correct nutrients. But once those criteria are satisfied, it’s all pizza, tacos, and cookies.
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I love fruits and vegetables for themselves…but I would also eat a ton of pizza and cookies, too.
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Me. I enjoy “fine dining” in the sense that is correlated strongly with “high Zagat Rating.” My favorite places to Eat are Minibar(too expensive to eat there often), ABS Kitchen, Sushi Yashuda, Ippudo Ramen, Ayada and Eleven (all are in NYC except minibar).
However I do enjoy sweets. And I think “sweets available in a random town” tend to be tastier than “savory available in a random town.”
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Me too! Many of my favorite foods right now are superstimuli but also things that I myself would probably have rejected as a five-year-old, let alone the average five-year-old. At least, my model five-year-old is not into raw fish, fish eggs, diseased bird livers, spoiled grape juice that isn’t even sweet, bitter black liquids, etc.
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I’m not really like this when it comes to food, because I favor savory over sweet very strongly. My ideal dessert is another small appetizer or hors d’oeuvre.
This is true when it comes to beverages, though. I have a weakness for things like Kool-Aid, fruit punch, Capri Sun, anything that was ever advertised by a thing in sunglasses. Even Jell-O, if you count that as a kind-of drink. I could never bring myself to really like coffee or tea, and it’s rare that I eat anything with just ice water. If alcohol wouldn’t be proper, then I always get the coke.
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Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but there was a period of about six months after college when I was buying five-pound bags of candy on a semi-regular basis. I had an iron stomach at the time, and I was in reliably good shape despite my amazingly terrible diet, so I think that covers the usual objections to it.
Nonetheless, my sweet tooth went away pretty quickly.
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Lorelai Gilmore, for one.
Confirmed Lorelai is a man! New headcanon.
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Oh, the advantages of being a prole. I had so much fast food growing up that, if you’d given five-year-old me a choice of what to eat, he’d pick frozen vegetables. I really liked lima beans back then.
These days… well, having lived in an office in NYC provides some empirical evidence, and apparently I’d eat everything available once and gravitate toward reubens, kefir, fish sandwiches, and beef negimaki. But there weren’t any good Turkish restaurants, and that’s a major confounder.
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Be advised: when I click on the link in the article, it takes me to a page full of ads and nothing else.
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It’s still on archive.org.
https://web.archive.org/web/20111020102331/http://shine.yahoo.com/event/green/food-trends-men-hate-2579995/
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How is that different from normal Yahoo?
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Yahoo fails at Internet.
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It’s an article from several years ago. Here’s the Wayback version.
I’m vegetarian, but I hate all forms of avocado, not just tableside, and I like spicy food. Does that average out to my being male or am I nonbinary? Also, for a less gendered but equally dumb version of the Yahoo article, Jezebel recently posted a list of pizza toppings ranked from best to worst.
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Mandatory links vis a vis meat-eating:
http://kmhk.com/vegan-inadvertently-writes-the-most-metal-song-of-all-time/
http://bloodmouthcarnist.com/red/
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FWIW, I pretty much agree with all of these rules.
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What’s funny is that if cavemen hunting mammoths were at all like modern hunter gatherers, they probably did care a little about the welfare of their food. Hunter-gatherers are often documented holding religious ceremonies to honor the animals they kill.
Now, you can argue that this isn’t helping the animals at all, a dead animal you perform a ceremony for is just as dead as one you do nothing for. But the fact that they are motivated to perform some sort of gesture indicates that they at least feel something.
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I’d expect that’s more about “thank you animal for ensuring that we don’t starve to death”.
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That or “please don’t tell your animal buddies we’re assholes and make it harder to hunt them next time”. That sort of thing makes sense if you look at it through an animistic lens.
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Never let the media socialize you.
There’s the clickbait optimization pressure and all that, but also, I worked on a daily schedule for a while and it’s almost impossible to avoid getting sucked into writing the first garbage idea that comes into your head just because you’ve got to get something on the site. That’s probably how that food trends article was written: “fuck it, this will be shit, but I’ve got to have something, and no one will care enough about the fact that it’ll suck to negatively impact my life or the machine in which I am a cog”.
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Macaroons are not egg white sugar things, they’re coconut Kosher-for-Passover things! The egg white sugar things are meringues. And the French cookie sandwich things are macarons…spelled with one O and pronounced with zero Ss.
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