Yahoo has tapped into the Great Male Hivemind to find out what food all men everywhere hate. Apparently,  you do this by asking a couple of dudes what kind of food they aren’t fond of. Judging by this logic and the dietary habits of my roommate Justin, all men subsist on mozzarella cheese sticks, cheese pizza, waffles with cheese and Mountain Dew (apparently cheeseless).

Now, NSWATM’s male readers might be all, “wait a minute. I just kind of eat food that tastes good/is nutritious/will fit in with my rigorous bodybuilding schedule. How am I supposed to know if I’m eating the right food? What if, all along, I’ve been eating food that is hopelessly unmasculine?”

Never fear. I have read the list of Foods Men Hate and synthesized a few rules for how men are supposed to eat.

First, men don’t care about animal rights. Why would they? After all, when the cavemen were hunting the mammoth to feed you, there weren’t a lot of namby-pamby PETA* motherfuckers running about with clipboards trying to figure out whether the mammoth had been hit with too many stone arrowheads. Therefore, men don’t want menus that mention whether the animals are ethically raised, they don’t want to eat tofu or any other source of non-meat protein and they certainly don’t want to eat vegan.

Second, men don’t like healthy food. Men absolutely despise brown rice on sushi, for instance. They hate raw food– chopped-up carrots in ranch dressing isn’t for Real Men, it’s for women on diets (assuming that saying “women” and “on a diet” isn’t redundant, of course! Ha ha I crack myself up someone kill me now).  And they absolutely, utterly, entirely despise vegetables. This is because men are basically five-year-olds with a sex drive, and you wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to think that something could possibly taste good if it isn’t neon-colored with a cartoon character on front.

Third, men don’t like fancy food. Hamburgers should be made with buns, not sourdough! Gourmet burgers are suspect! You may think this is somewhat odd, as “Ken, systems analyst” thinks that guacamole should cost ten dollars when everyone, or at least every broke college student, knows you can get as much guac as you want for free at Moe’s, but the only logical conclusion is that men both dislike fancy food and are not very good with money. Also, that dude who was interviewed for the article who ran a “Virtual Gourmet Newsletter” isn’t a real man. I mean, he’s a food editor! Probably a fag.

Fourth, men hate tableside guacamole. Don’t know why, they just do.

So you’ve got yourself the perfect meal: sliders (made with only the most tortured factory-farm beef, of course– their tears flavor your food), cupcakes and macaroons. It’s unhealthy! It’s not fancy! Tabletop guac doesn’t make an appearance! It’s everything a man could want!

Unfortunately, no.  You see, men hate small things. We don’t know why. Maybe it’s a phallic thing. But the point is, you are not allowed to eat any small burgers. You are not allowed to eat any small cakes. And you are definitely not allowed to eat any small… egg-white… sugar… things. Especially not ones that are named in French! French people are just cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

To recap:

  • No food that involves treating animals well.
  • No healthy food.
  • No fancy food.
  • No table guacamole.
  • No small food.

Just follow these five simple rules, and you too will be able to Eat like a Man ™!

*PETA sucks. This message has been brought to you by the Coalition for Reasonable Vegans.