Meditation For People Who Hate Meditating

Tags

dbt, ozy blog post, rationality

[content warning: exercise]

I hate mindfulness. Hate it, hate it, hate it. The ten minutes I spend meditating is easily the least pleasant ten minutes of my day.

Unfortunately, I am also a borderline, and mindfulness meditation is the one consistent element in every successful treatment for borderline personality disorder. So here we are.

Over the past few months, I have learned two useful things about meditation that make it a horrible and helpful experience instead of a horrible and pointless experience.

First: meditation is not relaxing. Well, evidently it is relaxing for some people, because every time I read about meditation there’s some asshole being like “I love meditation! I’m so relaxed afterward! It really gives me some time to myself! It’s so important to take some time away from your busy schedule and just be.” This always fills me with seething hatred. I don’t support this seething hatred, mind you. I hope that people who feel relaxed from meditation find their bliss and reach all their goals in life, those fucking douchebags.

For me, meditation is like weightlifting. While exercise can be fun, when you are on your last rep of squatting The Heaviest Thing, you are probably not relaxed and thinking about all the awesome time you’re taking for yourself. You are probably like “oh god, oh FUCK, why am I DOING this, I am ACTUALLY CLINICALLY INSANE, I am NEVER GOING TO EXERCISE AGAIN.” But then throughout the rest of your day you are smarter and more energetic, you can carry in all the groceries by yourself, and you feel happier– if only because, no matter what happens for the rest of your day, you are never going to squat anything again.

(Unfortunately, unlike weightlifting, meditation does not give me a sense of accomplishment at beating my previous successes, a surge of endorphins kicking my anxiety in the ass for hours afterwards, or sick biceps. If this state of affairs changes, I will write a new blog post.)

Meditation is like weightlifting for your brain. It feels absolutely miserable in the moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working. Just like when you lift weights you’re training your ability to pick up heavy things and put them down, when you meditate (at least for the kind of meditating I do for my BPD) you’re training metacognition. Metacognition is the ability to think about and control your own thinking. Which is skills like:

• recognizing that just because you think everyone in the world hates you doesn’t mean that everyone in the world actually hates you
• realizing that worrying about whether your train is going to be late will not actually cause your train to be on time, and then actually not worrying about it instead of making yourself miserable for no reason
• focusing on the movie you’re watching or the stupidly expensive cheese you’re eating, instead of your to-do list or the dumb thing that someone said on the Internet
• noticing when you are compulsively refreshing Facebook and not doing that
• noticing when you feel the urge to go to and then compulsively refresh Facebook, and then not doing that

So, useful shit, especially if you are a person like me whose brain is naturally like a toddler with a kazoo who has eaten nothing but sugar in the past 24 hours and who has just been taken to a grocery store.

Training metacognition does not have to be fun or relaxing! In fact, it might be wildly unpleasant, especially if you are on Team Emotionally Dysregulated People With Monkey Minds. It’s okay. All those people who enjoy meditation are a great object of loving-kindness meditation.

Second: if the specific reason that your meditation is wildly unpleasant is that you normally block out all your emotions because you feel super-terrible all the time and then once you meditate you are aware of how super-terrible you feel all the time and you try to return your mind to the object of meditation but that just makes you feel worse and worse and then it starts building on itself and then you start crying and have a panic attack–

Well, that happened to me a lot, until I tried a technique from Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance.

When you start noticing you feel like shit, but before you get to the part where you start crying and have a panic attack, just refocus your attention on the fact that you feel like shit. Make that your object of meditation. Try to notice as many details as you can about it. Where is it located in your body? What physical sensations are associated with it? Observe your thoughts about it.

You want to approach this with an attitude of acceptance and compassion. That means that instead of being all like “ugh, why am I feeling miserable, I’m supposed to be relaxing, this is the worst, I’m so unhappy, I never want to do this again” you want to think “welp, this is what’s happening in my brain right now, I guess. I feel terrible. I hurt all over. That is what’s happening in this moment.” That’s the acceptance bit. And you also want to try to feel a sense of care and concern about yourself: like you’re a little wounded bird that’s in a lot of pain. It’s not a good thing that you’re hurting. It’s actually really bad. You are in pain, and that totally sucks, and you wish that you weren’t.

If your pain gets worse, keep observing it. If it gets better, you can refocus on your breath or your mantra or sending lovingkindness to beings everywhere or whatever your object of meditation is, and then once again when your unhappiness starts distracting you from your object of meditation return to paying attention to your unhappiness.

This is training the skills of self-compassion and actually feeling your pain instead of numbing yourself out. If you’re having this problem, those are probably pretty important metacognitive skills for you to have! (I know it seems like “feeling pain” is a terrible skill, but (a) you are still miserable if you are miserable and constantly distracting yourself from your misery (b) knowing that you’re in pain is necessary to be able to make plans to fix your pain. You can still distract yourself if you need to, but having this skill just means you distract yourself when you think it’s a good idea instead of all the time.) So you shouldn’t be upset at yourself if this is happening; it’s a great opportunity to practice.

(I had the worst time Googling for solutions for this problem, by the way. So I hope this manages to get in the top ten Google results for “adverse effect” “meditation” in case it helps someone else.)

 

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With Borderlines, Validate, Don’t Reassure

Tags

bpd, ozy blog post

Consider a pretty ordinary scene with a person with borderline personality disorder: they say “I hate you! You’re going to leave me!”

The natural response is, of course, to respond with “I don’t hate you, and I’m not going to leave you. I love you very much and I want to be with you.”

Don’t do that.

Instead, say something like “you must feel really scared– I’d feel scared too if I thought someone I loved was going to leave me.”

Now, you might think that this is going to make the borderline feel worse. After all, you just said it was okay for them to be scared! Instead of showing them that their feeling is silly, you implied that it made sense!

But, in reality, if you say the first thing, what goes through a lot of borderlines’ minds is something like this: “They’re just saying that! They don’t really mean it! It’s not true! Oh no, I’m not supposed to be feeling this way, I’m supposed to not worry that they’re leaving me, I am the worst person in the whole entire world, and I know they’re going to leave me because anyone would leave the worst person in the world!” And then they start sobbing and you have no idea what you did wrong.

If you say the second thing, what goes through a lot of borderlines’ minds is something like this: “oh! They really get it! They must really care about me if they get it. And it’s okay to be scared– they said that it was, after all. Oh, huh, I guess I feel better now.”

Borderlines want to feel understood. We often feel like our emotions are unacceptable or bad, which just makes them more intense. And we often have a hard time figuring out what we’re feeling at all. All of these things can be helped by a simple process of (a) figuring out something, anything, that makes sense about what the person with borderline personality disorder is doing and (b) saying it.

If they’re mad about something you did that was, in fact, kind of a dick move, say that it was a dick move. If they really did make a mistake, say “it’s okay to feel bad that you broke the dish.”

It’s important not to say that things are true when they actually aren’t. Responding to “you hate me and you want to leave me!” with “yes, I do” is not going to improve the situation.

Of course, sometimes this is very difficult. As Topher said when I originally explained this concept to him, “but most of the time I DON’T understand your emotions and they DON’T make any sense!” One thing you can do is look for aspects of the situation that make sense. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense at all that the borderline has come to the conclusion that you’re a robot, but her distress at the possibility makes perfect sense. Or maybe the fact that the borderline is curled in the fetal position crying because she got an 89 on a test doesn’t make very much sense, but feeling sad about it certainly does.

It can also be helpful to prepare a few safe scripts for situations where you don’t understand what’s going on at all. It is almost always safe to say that the borderline is in a lot of pain or doing something really hard, on account of this is true of borderlines approximately 90% of the time (and nearly 100% when they’re telling people that those people hate them). Similarly, “that sucks” or “you must feel overwhelmed” or “you seem sad/angry/afraid [choose your borderline’s favorite emotion]” are often great. Do mix up your scripts, though; if they catch on that you say “that sounds hard” every time, then it will stop working.

I’m not saying that this strategy works for every borderline. But it works for a lot, and it’s worth a shot.

Avoid vs. Accept

Tags

neurodivergence, ozy blog post

When there is a Scary Horrible Awful Thing, I have found that there are about two things I can do with it: I can close my eyes and pretend that the Scary Horrible Awful Thing isn’t there, or I can look the Scary Horrible Awful Thing in the face and go “hi.” So far, it has usually turned out that the latter is the better strategy.

So let’s talk about a few examples.

A lot of people, when criticizing polyamory, tend to say something which boils down to “what if your partner finds someone they like better than you? what if they leave you?” I have pretty serious fear-of-abandonment and insecurity issues; naively, you’d think that polyamory wouldn’t work very well for me. And yet it does. Why?

(The next few paragraphs, of course, should not be taken as criticism of monogamy in general, which is a life choice that works great for many people.)

For me, the advantage of polyamory in dealing with my insecurity is the knowledge that my partner might find someone better than me. My fiance Topher may very well find a girlfriend he likes better than me. I certainly have no meaningful ability to stop him. I have no protection from him finding some cute girl, shacking up with her, and leaving me alone with my wedding cake designs…

…Except that he doesn’t want to.

And monogamists are basically in the same position. Monogamy doesn’t really protect you from your partner finding someone they like better: just look at the adultery rate and the divorce rate. The difference is that, as a poly person, you can’t ignore the possibility. It’s right there, staring you in the face.

And having secondary partners means that I get a lot of practice with the idea that it’s okay to be second-best (or occasionally tenth-best). I can be a valued, loved part of someone’s life… and not be the most important person to them. It is obvious that I am not as important to my boyfriends as their wives or, in one case, physics is.

Another example is dealing with people disagreeing with one on the Internet. I am absolutely horrible at dealing with disagreement– I become a defensive and self-hating mess– so of course I decided to become a blogger, because if there’s one thing you can say about blogging it’s that no one ever disagrees with you.

I have occasionally gotten the bright idea that I should not read the comments on my posts. However, as soon as I decide not to read the comments, my brain instantly concludes that everyone hates me and thinks I’m stupid and everyone who reads my blog has flown to Cincinnati for the Laughing At Ozy convention and next thing you know I’m halfway through designing the hideous caricatures of me sold in the dealer’s room.

On the other hand, when I read the comments, sometimes no one is disagreeing at all or sometimes their disagreement is, frankly, really dumb. And in the remaining times… well, frankly, I’m still usually a defensive and self-hatey mess. I don’t have a great solution here. But however bad it is, it isn’t as bad as trying to avoid it.  (Yes, I am an extremely cheerful person.)

When you avoid– or, rather, when I avoid– I wind up worrying about it. Whatever I’m doing, the back of my mind is going “do you think they all secretly hate you? do you think your boyfriend is going to leave you? do you think you are the least important and that is the worst thing in the world?”

But… a lot of the time the Scary Horrible Awful Thing doesn’t come to fruition: my fiance wants to be with me; the commenter just wanted to say that they donated to AMF. Even if it does come to fruition, it often isn’t that bad: it turns out that being second-best is okay, and sometimes people disagree with me and I don’t respect their opinions. And sometimes really bad things do happen. But I tend, I think, to go “the Scary Horrible Awful Thing is incredibly painful, and worrying is not so bad”, without noticing that I can keep worrying for weeks, while the Scary Horrible Awful Thing is over in ten minutes. It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid: it hurts a lot and then it’s done.

Maybe this is what people mean by courage. I would have thought it would feel better.

DBT: Walking The Middle Path

Tags

dbt, ozy blog post

[Content warning: descriptions of abuse.]

This is the last post in the DBT sequence! Yeesh.

I talked about dialectics for the first time all the way back at the beginning, and now I’m going to talk about it again, before talking about one dialectic that is really useful for interpersonal relationships: the dialectic between validation and change. Dialectics is the alternative to black-and-white thinking and polarization, both of which are particularly common among people with emotion regulation issues, but which everyone is prone to from time to time. Here are some examples of opposites that can both be true:

• You are independent, and you need help.
• You want to be alone, and you want connection with others.
• You can accept yourself the way you are and want to change.
• Someone else can have valid reasons for wanting something from you, and you can have valid reasons for saying no.
• You can be mad at someone and still love and respect them. (You can be mad at yourself, and still love and respect yourself.)
• You can be doing the best you can, and still need to do better and try harder.
• You can understand the motivations for someone’s behavior, and also think that it’s wrong and the person ought to change it.
• You can be around others, and be lonely.

Similarly, here are some examples of opposites one might need to dialectically balance:

• Work and rest.
• Self-validation and acknowledging mistakes.
• Openness and privacy.
• Observation and participation.
• Self-improvement and self-acceptance.
• Problem-solving and problem acceptance.
• Caring about yourself and caring about others.
• Emotion regulation and emotion acceptance.

Here are four lessons that one can learn from dialectics:

There’s more than one side to each situation. There’s more than one way to look at a situation; there’s more than one way to solve a problem. Two things that seem like opposites can both be true. Consider different points of view. People who disagree with you can still have correct opinions. Remember that people don’t do or believe things for literally no reason: their behavior and thoughts make sense from their own point of view.

Ask yourself: what am I missing? What truth does the opposing view hold? Let go of extremes: think “sometimes” instead of “always” and “never”, think “both/and” instead of “either/or”. Be willing to play devil’s advocate. It can help to use metaphors, storytelling, or analogies to understand other points of view. Be willing to say “I don’t know”. Embrace confusion; embrace paradoxes. Turn lemons into lemonade: do what works, the best you can with what you have. Listen instead of attacking. Believe in nuance.  Be curious, not furious.

I am human, and nothing human is alien to me. On a fundamental level, we’re all monkeys with pretensions. There are a lot of differences between different humans, but ultimately, we’re all running the same hardware. We’re much more similar to each other than we are to anything else in this universe, because we are the only things that can think.

Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Look for similarities with other people, instead of differences. This is practical, not moral: kindness opens doors which cruelty cannot unlock.

The only thing that doesn’t change is change. Nothing is constant. Every time it seems like you’ve gotten things settled, they change on you again. Your moods, your relationships, even the cells of your body: nothing stays the same. If I wanted to be all New-Agey-physics-metaphor-from-a-person-who-doesn’t-know-physics, I would point out that even something as static as a wall is composed of atoms which are always moving and thus always changing.

Throw yourself into change. Don’t just allow it; embrace it. Accept the unpredictable. Accepting change can be particularly hard if your relationships are tenuous: it feels like everything that changes means that you’re going to be abandoned. If you have a hard time coping with change, practice getting used to change: talk to people you don’t normally talk to, sit in a different place, or drive a new route to work.

Change is transactional. What we do influences our environment and other people; what the environment and other people do influences us. Pay attention both to your effect on others and their effect on you. Let go of blame by thinking about how both your actions and other people’s are caused by many interactions over time. They aren’t evil, you are not under attack, and you should calm the fuck down. Remember that people do things for reasons. Beware the fundamental attribution error, where we assume that we kick the vending machine, it’s because we had a bad day, but if someone else kicks the vending machine, it’s because they’re a fundamentally angry person. (Beware of it, as well, with regards to yourself. Many people, particularly those with a tendency towards depression, assume that every mistake they make means they are fundamentally awkward, ugly, stupid, evil, or just plain bad.)

Validation

Validation is finding the grain of truth in other people’s perspectives on the situation. It’s understanding that people think, feel, and do things for reasons that make sense to them. Validation can help people feel listened to and understood, which improves relationships and makes it easier to solve problems, become closer, and support people through difficulties.

Even if the relationship isn’t important to you, validating other people can be useful. People are usually more reasonable and behave better when they’ve been validated. When someone adamantly disagrees with you, showing them that you understand their point of view can get them to think about other possibilities a lot more effectively than telling them about the other possibilities. They don’t experience the same pressure to prove that they’re right. Oftentimes, skillfully validating someone can get them to settle down and be less angry. (People who are in relationships with borderlines: validation is magic borderline crack. It’s astonishing how a simple “you’re really sad” can calm a tantrum.) And a lot of people find that validating others makes them feel like a person who has integrity and is fair, which improves their self-respect.

Validation does not mean that you agree with the other person. They can believe something for reasons that make sense to them and still be wrong. It doesn’t mean that you like their behavior. If somebody is doing something that hurts you, it still hurts you even if they have a tragic backstory that explains it. And it doesn’t mean validating things that are invalid. If someone had a rough day and screamed at you, validation is saying “lots of people get angry after a hard day”– not “it’s okay that you screamed, honey!” If someone’s frightened of red-haired men because of a traumatic experience in their past, validation is saying “I can see why that would scare you, because on some subconscious level you’d learned that redheaded men are dangerous”– not “that guy was kind of creepy, I bet he’s out to get you.”

There are three things you can validate. First, the facts of the situation: “this room is a mess”, “that guy cut you off.” Second, the person’s experiences, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions: “you seem really sad”, “when I was taking calculus, I was so worried about my ability to pass it”. Third, the person’s suffering and difficulties: “you must be going through a really hard time right now”, “wow, that seems really difficult.” You can validate those things in one of six different ways.

Pay Attention. Look interested, listen, observe, and stay focused on them Make eye contact, if you can. Nod occasionally. Smile if they say something happy; look concerned if they say something sad. No multitasking! When the person is talking, put down your phone.

“Mm. I see.”

Reflect Back. Say back to the person what you’ve just heard them say. For instance, if they’ve been describing the dozen minor annoyances that happened to them, say “Oof. Sounds like a rough day.” If your child says they would like cookies for dinner instead of green beans, say “of course you want cookies, they’re delicious.” You don’t have to agree with people; just express what you see them saying. Avoid disagreeing, criticizing, or trying to change the person’s mind, at least in this stage; have an open mind. Be very careful to avoid anything that comes off as sarcasm or judgmental language: if people think you’re mocking them, they will feel very invalidated. Don’t be robotic: if you use a formula like “I hear you saying X about Y”, then people will catch on that you’re just plugging nouns into a sentence instead of really engaging with them. Try to seem open to correction in your wording and voice tone. And if you don’t get it, don’t pretend that you do. Saying “I don’t understand, but I want to” is incredibly validating.

“You’re mad at me because you think I lied to get back at you, is that right?”

Read Minds. Reflecting back is about what they are saying; reading minds is about what they aren’t saying. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what’s happening, and what you know about the person already. If someone is shivering, ask if they’re cold; if it’s been a while since they ate, ask if they’re hungry. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you’d feel. Then check it with them: “you must feel angry.” If they disagree– “no, I’m actually scared’– that’s okay; let it go, and don’t get in an argument with them about how they’re feeling. (You have no idea how many people do this.) Even if you don’t get it right, just guessing improves the relationship. Now, you may be thinking “Ozy, didn’t you write about how we shouldn’t try to read minds and guess what other people are thinking?” Yep. Dialectics. The key is to be aware that your attempts at reading other people’s minds are guesses, and may not be true.

“You must feel like I betrayed you– I know loyalty is really important to you.”

Understand. Try to figure out the causes of the person’s actions, thoughts, or feelings: the person’s history, features of the present situation, the person’s mood, or the person’s physical condition. Listen for the grain of truth, how it makes sense, even if the belief is wrong or you disagree with their behavior. Think about how your friend might be snappish because they’re under stress at work, or your girlfriend might be frightened because she was hurt in the past. Say “it makes sense that you… because…” Try to make the other person think “oh! This person gets me!” Be careful not to pretend to understand when you don’t; instead, admit your ignorance and work to understand. It’s okay to say “I’m totally lost, can you help me understand?”

“I can see why you thought that I lied: I told you something that wasn’t true.”

Acknowledge the Valid. Look for ways in which the person’s actions, thoughts, or feelings are a logical response to the current situation. Now, of course, everyone behaves in illogical ways sometimes; no one behaves in a 100% valid way all the time. But be willing to look for ways in which the response is valid. Be careful not to allow “acknowledging the valid” to collapse into “I am causing their behavior because of what a terrible person I am”; it is totally possible that– even if there’s conflict– both you and the other person are responding in valid ways given the situations.

“It makes sense that you’re angry: it was a pretty serious betrayal of trust.”

Show Equality. Be yourself. Don’t one-up the other person. Treat them as an equal, not as someone who’ll break in a harsh wind or who’s incapable of doing anything write. Admit mistakes. Admit when you’re wrong. Know that you aren’t better from other people. Introduce yourself by first name if the other person introduces themselves by their first name. Ask other people for their opinions. Avoid defensiveness. Be careful in giving advice or telling other people what to do when you weren’t asked, and remember you could be wrong. Don’t try to protect other people from the world. Don’t say “my pain is worse than yours!” Don’t say “you haven’t changed and you’re never going to!” Don’t attribute other people’s legitimate emotions to mental illness.

The opposite of validation is invalidation. It’s easy to assume that validation is always good and invalidation is always bad; however, that’s not true. Invalidation can be helpful if it corrects a mistake you’re making, or if it helps you grow as a person by listening to someone else’s point of view. On the other hand, invalidation is harmful when you’re being ignored, misunderstood, treated unequally, or disbelieved when you’re telling the truth, or when your experiences are being ignored, trivialized or denied.

Even helpful invalidation can be painful: many people feel ashamed, angry, defensive, or embarrassed when they’re invalidated– especially when someone else is telling them what they think, or if they already feel ashamed or guilty about the thing they’re being invalidated about. Conversely, harmful invalidation is often not done by people who are intending to be jerks: they might be trying to be helpful, or they might just not be thinking. And harmful invalidation still has the grain of truth in it– it’s still true that people don’t believe things for literally no reason.

Because helpful invalidation can be painful, as a general rule, try saying or doing five validating things for each invalidating thing you say. That lightens the blow and makes the person feel like you’re on their side.

To recover from invalidation, remind yourself that you are doing your best, and that there are reasons for all behavior– both yours and that of the person who invalidated you. Admit that invalidation hurts– even if they’re right! The other person’s correctness doesn’t magically make the pain of invalidation go away. But remember as well that, while painful, invalidation is something you can survive. It’s not the end of the world. It can feel like a catastrophe because your fight-or-flight reflexes are running, you have past negative experiences, or you don’t know how to cope, but you will get through this. Consider self-soothing until you calm down.

Radically accept your experience of invalidation and the invalidating person. This one sucks, I know. Remember that people are what they are– the person continues to exist whether you accept them or not. Invalidation is not a disaster, you can recover, and you are stronger than you think you are.

Check all the facts to see if there were invalid elements to your response. Ask yourself, “what makes them say that? What did I do?” Consider talking to someone whose judgment you trust and asking them for their input. It hurts like hell– it’s probably worse than radical acceptance– and is pretty much the last thing you want to do once you’ve been invalidated, but you have to do it.  If your responses don’t make sense, acknowledge it and work to change it– especially if you’re someone who tends to be reactive or impulsive. And stop blaming, it rarely helps. If your reactions are valid, acknowledge that; it can help to describe your experiences in a supportive environment, which provides validation that can counteract the invalidation you experienced.

Some people experienced traumatic invalidation: they may have grown up in a neglectful household in which their parents told them they weren’t hungry or cold when they were; they may have been in an abusive relationship with a partner who told them that they were happy and the relationship was loving and they were just confused; they may have been raped and had to hide their pain to avoid upsetting people or perform pain they didn’t feel so that other people would think they’re a real rape survivor. If you’ve experienced traumatic invalidation, that’s going to sensitize you to even minor or healthy cases of invalidation, probably for the rest of your life. It’s okay. It just means that you’re going to have to make extra effort to respond effectively to invalidation.

Experiencing invalidation can cause you to self-invalidate. When someone says “ugh, you just need to have a positive attitude!” in response to you describing a life problem, you can think “they’re right, I do need to have a positive attitude, and if I did then all my problems would go away. I’m so stupid for not being able to be cheerful about this.” Be careful not to think judgmentally about yourself after you’ve been invalidated. It hurts, and it actually makes it harder to figure out what’s valid and what’s invalid, because you’ve taken you mind off the facts. Practice opposite action by deliberately thinking non-judgmental thoughts.

In general: validate yourself exactly as you would validate someone else. Don’t give yourself a complete pass on your shit, but understand that your thoughts and beliefs are legitimate. Don’t call yourself a drama queen; don’t feel guilty about valid emotions. Tell yourself that it makes sense that you’d be hurt. When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you’re just a monkey and everyone makes mistakes. Stand up for yourself inside your mind if you’re correct and your behavior is reasonable. Don’t think of yourself as screwed up or damaged goods, call your behavior stupid, or insult yourself. Don’t call yourself a wimp if you feel sad or alone. Don’t blame or punish yourself when you’re wrong. Try to approach yourself with understanding and compassion, and remember that you behave the way you do for reasons that make sense to you.

Behavioral Change

Reinforcement is one of the core ideas of behaviorism. You can use reinforcement learning on other people, or on yourself. I’m mostly going to talk about using it on other people, but the same principles apply.

Reinforcement often happens on a subconscious level. Sometimes people think “oh, if I do this I get the reward”, but often they just find themselves doing the thing without you saying anything. Everyone is more likely to do things that they’re being rewarded for. If every time you go to a restaurant, the waiters smile at you and are very friendly, you’ll probably go back, but you probably won’t consciously think “oh, I’m going to this restaurant so that the waiter will smile at me.” You’ll probably just think “oh, that’s a good restaurant.”

A reinforcer is any consequence that increases the frequency of a desired behavior. Most of the time, people think “positive reinforcement” means rewards, but “negative reinforcement” means punishment. That isn’t actually true, although it sounds like that’s what those words mean. Positive reinforcement is reinforcing a behavior by adding something that the person wants or likes, and negative reinforcement is reinforcing a behavior by taking away something the person hates or doesn’t want. If I say “if you do your homework, I’m going to buy you a candy bar,” then that’s positive reinforcement; if I say “if you do your homework, I’m going to turn off the music that I like and you don’t,” then that’s negative reinforcement.

To achieve behavioral change, practice shaping. Imagine that you were trying to teach a dog to fetch your newspaper. You wouldn’t begin by saying “I’m only going to reward the dog when it brings in the newspaper!”, because how is the dog supposed to know that it’s going to get a reward for that? Instead, you reward the dog for small steps towards the desired behavior. You start by rewarding it for going outside; once it’s learned that behavior, you switch to rewarding it for going near the newspaper; and so on and so forth.

Reinforce behavior immediately after it occurs, or as close to immediately as you can. When you’re reinforcing creatures that can’t talk (animals, babies), reward immediately; otherwise they’ll have no idea what you’re reinforcing them for. When you’re rewarding adult humans, you can get away with a bit of a delay, as long as you make it clear what behavior got them the reinforcement. Otherwise, they’ll just think you’re giving them nice things for no reason.

When you’re shaping a new behavior, at first reinforce every instance of the behavior. As the behavior is established, gradually start to reinforce only some of the time. Varied reinforcement makes the behavior very hard to stop, so be careful! (Gambling and some computer games are addictive because they provide rewards on a varied-reinforcement schedule. Of course, you’re unlikely to be as good at reinforcement as the professionals who design games, but you should still be careful what you reinforce.)

If you’re in a position of power over someone (boss, teacher, parent), you can be very blatant about your reinforcement: “if you get a good grade I’ll buy you those shoes you’ve been wanting.” For most egalitarian relationships, that’s seen as condescending or manipulative. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reinforce people! You just have to be subtle. For instance, many people find heartfelt appreciation very rewarding: “thank you for doing the dishes, it really made my day easier.” You might say, “this kitchen was so nice and clean, I felt like baking cookies! Want one?” I often wind up jumping up and down, squealing and clapping, but that might not work as well for you unless you also typically behave like a five-year-old.

What if someone’s doing something you don’t want them to do? First, think about whether you’re reinforcing the behavior somehow. Loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder wind up in this trap a lot. Many people with BPD are distressed when their loved ones have social plans, leaving them alone. Now, imagine that every time the person with BPD cries, their loved one cancels their social plans and spends time with her instead. Naturally, this makes the borderline cry more. This is not to say that the person with BPD is deliberately being manipulative! Remember, reinforcement learning happens subconsciously. One effective strategy for helping people with borderline personality disorder is comforting them a little, but not canceling your plans, no matter how distressed they seem.

But people accidentally reinforce behavior all the time in non-mental-illness-related contexts. For instance, if you set aside everything to pay attention to her when she has a problem, then of course she’s going to come to you with problems; if you let your girlfriend get her way when she insults you, then of course she’s going to insult you. Removing the reinforcement of a behavior typically leads to an “extinction burst”, in which the behavior gets much worse, as the person subconsciously escalates to see whether this will get the reward. Hold firm. If you continue to not reward the behavior, it will eventually decrease.

Second, think about the goal of the behavior. If the behavior is trying to meet a legitimate need, provide the thing the person needs before the behavior occurs. Again, this is a key skill in dealing with people with borderline personality disorder: providing a steady diet of attention and praise decreases the risk that they will solicit praise dysfunctionally. If you are ignoring your friend who complains too much except when she complains, make an effort to spend time with her; if insulting you allows your girlfriend to end conflicts that have gotten too heated, be proactive about ending the conflicts yourself.

Third, consider punishment. Punishment is a consequence that decreases a behavior. Positive punishment is adding something disliked (for instance, screaming “fuck you, you stupid bitch”); negative punishment is taking away something desired (for instance, refusing to talk to someone after they have screamed “fuck you, you stupid bitch”).

Punishment is problematic. The best punishments are natural consequences: for instance, if you’re tired of your roommate not doing the dishes when it’s her job, just stop doing the dishes for her. Also good are pseudonatural consequences, ones that seem like you responding rationally to incentives: for instance, if a person insults you, you’re unlikely to want to keep talking to them; if your friend won’t stop complaining, maybe you’re a little less hasty to return her phone calls. Actual punishment, while it’s sometimes the right course, is often ineffective. The person might be less likely to do the thing you don’t want them to do, but they’re also not going to like you. You might come off as presumptuous or controlling. And they might figure out that you can only punish them when you’re around them and avoid you.

Whichever you go with, be careful to avoid a punitive tone: don’t say “because you’re such a TERRIBLE PERSON, I’m going to stop talking to you and I hope you learn your lesson!” Just say: “I am leaving this conversation now. Goodbye.” Be sure that your punishment is specific, that it’s time-limited, and that it’s proportionate: don’t refuse to talk to someone for a week because they were ten minutes late on doing the dishes.

Meeting needs, stopping reinforcement, and punishment all weaken or suppress behavior, but they don’t eliminate it or teach new behavior. To keep an undesired behavior from resurfacing, be sure to pair your getting-the-person-to-stop with reinforcing a desired alternative behavior. For instance, you can reinforce your friend talking about more pleasant things by paying very close attention to her; you can reinforce your girlfriend talking in a civil manner by giving her things she wants that she asks for in a civil way.

Whether you’re trying to increase a behavior or weaken a behavior, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, be aware that people are different from each other! Some people thrive on praise; other people feel rewarded when you spend quality time with them; still other people like when you do little favors for them. Something that can be a reinforcer for one person can be a punishment for another person: if someone is extremely introverted, then your attention might be a punishment rather than a reward, and you can reinforce their behavior by leaving them alone. Observe the person’s behavior to see how it changes, and if the reinforcer doesn’t seem to work for them, feel free to switch. Whenever possible, use natural consequences. Be careful about making sure the reinforcer is proportionate: don’t spend fifteen minutes praising somebody for putting trash in the trashcan.

Second, remember that behavior doesn’t always generalize across contexts. You can spend a lot of time making sure that someone is calm and civil when they argue with you, and they still might pick stupid, angry fights on the Internet. If you care about making sure that they stop doing that, you’re going to have to go through the whole behavioral change process again.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Building and Ending Relationships

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dbt, ozy blog post

[content warning for discussion of abuse near the end of the post]

Building Relationships

A lot of people have intellectual knowledge about how to build relationships, so this isn’t going to be new for a lot of people. However, they still use ineffective strategies to build relationships; if that’s you, try using this as a wakeup call to put the strategies you know are right into action. Other people are going to be really confused by this, because it’s too abstract for them. Unfortunately, this is going to be true of any sort of social rules, many of which have to be learned through trial and error.

Try to adopt an attitude that– even though they’re flawed and often disappointing– all human beings are lovable and worthy. Not having this attitude, either about yourself or about other people, tends to make it harder to find friends. If you think you aren’t lovable or worthy, you’ll say “of course no one is friends with me! I’m totally useless!” when in reality you may be able to find a friend if you work harder. If you think other people are mostly stupid, boring, and selfish, then you’ll dismiss other people out of hand, when they could have made good friends if you’d been more open to the possibility.

Mere exposure tends to make people friendlier to other people. Neighbors, classmates, coworkers, and people who share your hobbies are all excellent sources of friendships. In my experience, the single most common cause of not having any friends is not ever talking to anyone.

People often like people who are similar to them, who share their interests, politics, lifestyle, morals, and attitudes. It is important that you find people who are actually similar to you, instead of pretending to be similar to them or (this one is for people with borderline personality disorder) picking up their personality traits willy-nilly. People tend to object when it turns out that you aren’t really similar to them, and it can be harmful to your self-respect to pretend to be something you’re not.

Most people want to be talked to. Awkwardness is survivable. Not knowing what to say is survivable. Creeping people out is survivable. None of those things are good, but they all happen to everyone who’s developing social skills, they don’t make you a bad person, and in a year (for that matter, in a month), no one is going to care. You don’t have to fill in quiet spaces in a conversation: quite often, the other person will say something.

Ask questions: people like talking about themselves. Respond to questions with a little more information than the person asked for: if asked where you work, continue with a comment about how much you like it there (or don’t). Keep your self-disclosure at about the same level as the other person’s: too much self-disclosure comes off as creepy, while not enough self-disclosure comes off as standoffish. Don’t interrupt other people. Learn things to talk about: take up a hobby, read books and articles, and observe others. It can help to prepare three conversational topics before you go to a party or other social event: perhaps a movie you’ve seen recently, something that happened on the news, and an interesting fact you learned about space.

Small talk is not evil. I know, nerds LOATHE small talk with all the fibers of our being. Look: no one cares about the weather. The point of small talk is not to exchange information about the weather. The point is to say “hey! I like you! I am not going to say anything mean! Isn’t it great that we are both part of the same tribe, and not going to attack each other?”, and perhaps to discover a topic of mutual interest. The best way to minimize small talk is to figure out a way to transition from the weather to things you’re interested in as quickly as possible. (“I like the rain, because it’s an excuse to stay indoors and read!” “Ooh, what do you read?”)

Express genuine liking for other people. Compliment them on things that aren’t super-obvious: as the saying goes, call smart girls pretty and pretty girls smart. However, use a delicate hand on this. If you have low self-esteem or think there’s no way anyone could possibly like you for you, it’s very easy to wind up giving so many compliments that you come off as sucking up. Try to limit yourself to about one compliment per conversation, or approximately as many as the other person uses, whichever one is higher. Never use compliments as a means to obtain a favor.

In a party or other social situation, some groups are open to outsiders, and some are not. Open groups tend to be standing somewhat apart, have gaps in the conversation, have members glance around the room, and are talking about a subject of general interest like a movie. You can usually treat a group as an open group if you know one or more of the people in it. To enter a group, wait for a break in the conversation, stand near a friendly-looking person, and say “hi!” or “Mind if I join you?”

In most social relationships, it’s hard to go wrong following a rule of reciprocity. If you’re worried about being annoying or harassing someone, try pulling back: wait for them to initiate a conversation, ask you to hang out, touch you, or whatever you’re concerned about. Once they’ve done so, you can safely assume that they would like you to initiate conversations, ask them to hang out, touch them, etc.

One crucial skill for making people like you is mindfulness of others. Relationships last longer when we are mindful.

Observe. Pay attention to people on purpose. Put the book, the tablet, the laptop, the phone aside. Observe their body language, their tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues. Notice what’s going on inside you: your feelings, your thoughts. Don’t focus on what you’re going to say next. Be open to new information about others; don’t cling to being right. Beware the illusion of transparency! It’s all too easy for both sides to think they understand and are understood, when that’s not the case.

Describe. To yourself (not to others) try putting words on your experience of others. Ask questions. Be like a news reporter or a cop: “just the facts, ma’am.” Remember that you can’t describe another’s motives, thoughts, emotions, wants, or history, because you can’t observe those things. Remember that the stories you tell yourself about human interaction aren’t the same thing as the actual interaction. Beware the fundamental attribution error, where we think our behavior is a part of our individual circumstances and other people’s behavior is because of their inherent personality. In particular, avoid assuming what other people think about you or questioning other people’s motives unless you have a very good reason. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Participate. This is the objective we’re trying to get to with the observing and the describing. Go with the flow: don’t try to control the interaction, but accept what happens. Throw yourself into the interaction. Concentrate entirely on the individual or group you’re interacting with. Engage. Notice your thoughts, but don’t get caught in them. In particular, make an effort to avoid self-hate: if you’re spending the interaction freaking out about what a terrible person you are, you’re not being mindful of the conversation. And– even as you shift out of describing into participating– be mindful of the distinction between the facts and your interpretation of the facts.

Non-judgmentally. Shockingly, most people don’t like it when other people are judgmental of them. Note that not judging is not the same as not having values. Saying “you’re cheating on your spouse, and I think that’s dishonest and lacking integrity” is not judgmental in the sense we’re using it here; saying “you’re a horrible person for betraying your spouse like that” is. When thinking and– especially– when talking to people, try to remove the judgments from your language. But remember that judgments are a natural part of life, and don’t beat yourself up about judging people. “I’m a horrible person for cruelly judging other people!” is, in fact, a judgment.

One-mindfully. Have one conversation (with one person or multiple people) at a time. Don’t bring up five issues at once, particularly if you’re upset about something. This rule is often breakable in casual conversation, but is very important for talking to people when you or they are in a terrible mood.

Effectively. Remember your goals in the interaction: building a friendship, finding people you like, helping other people, finding out information, meeting a need, or whatever it is. Do what is needed to reach your goals, instead of getting distracted by tangential issues.

Ending Relationships

A destructive relationship is a relationship in which you no longer care about or like the other person, or which spoils important aspects of yourself: your physical body and safety, your self-esteem, your integrity, your happiness, your peace of mind. An interfering relationship is a relationship with makes it difficult for you to pursue important goals, enjoy life, do things you like, or have relationships with other people (in general or specific), or which harms the welfare of people you love. You should always end destructive relationships. If an interfering relationship is with someone important (your family, your adult children, your spouse, your best friend), then you should try to repair the relationship first, using problem-solving and DEAR MAN GIVE FAST; if that doesn’t work even if you’ve put in a great effort, or if the relationship isn’t with someone important, end the relationship.

Never end a relationship when you’re over-emotional. Instead, make the decision when you’re calm; use both your emotions and your reason, and try to access your wise mind. If you decide you want to end the relationship, plan out exactly what you’re going to say. Imagine the worst-case scenario of their responses, and come up with a plan for them. Imagine what your life would be like without the person– both good parts and bad parts. If you rely on them for something, such as money, transportation, or emotional support, plan how you’ll get that without them.

Be direct. Use DEAR MAN GIVE FAST to end the relationship. Don’t blow up or avoid. Know what you want; don’t just react. Afterwards, it’s perfectly normal to still love the person– even if the relationship was destructive. Remind yourself of the harmful things they did and the ways that ending the relationship has improved your life. Avoid contact with reminders of your loved one and– God forbid– your loved one themself. If you get loving urges, try doing the opposite of them: for instance, distract yourself from thinking about them, or talk to a friend about all the things you dislike about them.

Some destructive relationships are abusive. If you’re planning on leaving an abusive relationship, it’s a good idea to have a safety plan. Safety planning for domestic violence is a complicated issue, much too complicated to get into at the end of a blog post: I recommend calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local shelter, or reading Why Does He Do That? [cw: abuse apologist attitudes towards male victims], if you have any suspicion that your relationship may be abusive.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Obtaining Objectives Skillfully

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dbt, ozy blog post

Pretty much everyone has some things that they want from other people.

In any interaction, there are three kinds of goals you can have. First, there’s your objective: the practical thing you want. For instance, you might want your partner to run to the bank, your boss to give you a raise, or the clerk to let you return the shoes that don’t fit. It is very important that you know what you actually want. A lot of times, we get sad or angry and just start yelling without stopping to think “why am I yelling? What do I want this person to actually do?” Knowing what you want opens up room for compromise.

Second, there’s the relationship: maintaining the health of the relationship and making sure the other person likes, respects, and approves of you. This is paying attention to the relationship and to how you want the other person to feel once the interaction is done.

Third, there’s your self-respect: standing your ground, following your own values, and acting in a way that makes you feel ethical, capable, and effective. You might think “obviously, that is priority number one in every interaction!”, but that’s actually not the case. A lot of people– especially those from traumatic backgrounds– have an overactive need for self-respect, which can make them touchy, easily offended, and highly sensitive to other people’s disrespect.

In any interaction, you want to attend to all three. A lot of the time, you can emerge from the interaction with all three intact: an improved relationship, increased self-respect, and your objective. However, you should know what your priorities are. You might decide to lie to your boss to keep the job that lets you feed your children: sacrificing your self-respect in favor of an objective. You might decide to give in about your partner’s tendency to leave her socks on the floor: sacrificing your objective in favor of the relationship. You might decide to refuse to go along with your friends doing something you believe is morally wrong: sacrificing your relationships in favor of your self-respect.

Which one you want to prioritize in any given interaction changes all the time. A lot of what’s called “assertiveness” is actually being sensitive to how your priorities in the interaction change.

The skills to obtain these three goals are called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST which are, respectively, what to say to get your objective, how to say it to get your objective, how to improve relationships, and how to maintain your own self-respect.

DEAR is just one way to ask for things. There are lots of other strategies that work, and if you don’t use DEAR and you’re getting what you want, then you don’t have to switch; however, DEAR does work pretty reliably and is not going to make a situation worse. You can feel free to change up the order, and it’s okay to leave some of the steps out– especially for minor requests. If your child left her wet towel on the bed, it can be enough to just say “the towel!” While using DEAR can be awkward at first, over time it becomes second nature.

Describe. Factually describe the current situation, leaving out your interpretations and emotion-laden words. Tell the person what you’re reacting to. This sets the framework and allows the other person to know the context of your request– so you don’t end up falling victim to the illusion of transparency. It orients them and makes sure you’re both on the same page. When you describe, do your best not to be emotional: imagine you’re a camera reporting what you see.

“Today, you were fifteen minutes late. It was the third time this month.”

Express. Briefly say your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume the other person knows how you feel. Avoid “shoulds”: try saying “I want” instead. And describe your own feelings instead of criticizing the other person: “I’m sad” instead of “you’re inconsiderate.” Most people like expressing their own feelings; if you’re not careful, DEAR can turn into EEEE. In fact, many people think of asking and expressing as being the same thing! So once you’ve expressed your feelings, move on.

“When you don’t show up on time, I feel like you don’t care about me or respect me.”

Assert. Clearly state what you want or that you’re refusing a request. Do not attempt the telepathy method of expressing needs and setting boundaries. It does not work. A simple phrase like “are you willing to X?” goes a long way.

“I want you to arrive on time in the future.”

Reinforce. A preview of the consequences of you getting what you want. It provides motivation and shows people what’s in it for them. Many people think rewarding others for doing what they want is manipulative: in reality, it’s actually just a good way of finding a solution to the problem that works out for everyone. One common mistake is to describe the effects on you rather than them. Don’t say “you doing the dishes will make my life so much easier” unless you have reason to believe that the person genuinely wants your life to be easier– and even then, it’s probably more effective to add “which will make me so much more willing to make those dinners you like so much”. Remember also to do what you said you were going to do– if you don’t actually make dinner, they’ll remember and be more reluctant to do what you want in the future.

In some cases, it may be necessary to mention negative consequences of people’s actions: for instance, “if you don’t finish your part of the group project, we will flunk”. Be careful that you don’t wind up threatening the person: if the consequence is something you’re doing, make sure it’s proportional and something you’re willing to do. Negative consequences are almost always harmful to the relationship, but sometimes for a sufficiently important objective that’s a good trade.

“If you show up on time, we’ll be able to spend a lot more time together.”

Mindful. Keep your focus on your goals. Don’t be distracted by strong emotions. Don’t get sidetracked and start talking about that time in 2012 where she invited you to a party and you ended up alone and awkward all night while she talked about physics with her friends. Don’t lose track of what your position is.

There are two techniques that are sometimes useful. Only use them for situations that are very important; this isn’t for making sure that your partner gets the milk. “Broken record” is expressing your opinion, asking, or saying no over and over again, in a different way. It’s crucial that you don’t escalate the intensity. Don’t go “Can you please move? You can’t sit there. Move! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND FUCKING MOVE!” Stay at the same intensity you started, but use different words: “Can you please move? I’m going to have to ask you to move. You are blocking the entrance if there is a fire. Can you please sit somewhere else?” Another useful skill is learning to not respond to insults, threats, or attempts to change the subject. Pretend that the person didn’t say them; mentally snip out those statements, and respond only to things which are germane to the conversation. (If the subject isn’t important, then if someone insults you you should probably just end the conversation.)

Appear confident. Note that this doesn’t say “be confident”. It is totally okay to fake it till you make it. Pretending to be confident makes people take you more seriously. Don’t stammer, whimper, stare at the floor, retreat, or use withdrawn body language. Stand up straight. Make good eye contact. (If you’re not good at eye contact, stare at someone’s nose or cheek; they can’t tell.) Verbally, don’t say “I’m not sure”, “whatever you want”, “I don’t know.” Pretend that you are acting the role of an effective, competent adult– even if you don’t feel like one. For most people who don’t have a relevant disability, deliberately thinking confident thoughts causes them to have more confident body language and tone of voice: say to yourself “I can do this”, “I’m in the right here”, “I deserve this.”

Negotiate. Try to come to a decision that’s satisfactory for everyone. Know what your absolute non-negotiables are, and be willing to give on others. Maybe you need to know whose house your teenager is visiting, but while you’d prefer a phone call it wouldn’t kill you if they texted. Be willing to offer multiple solutions to the problem. Ask why they’re refusing you or asking something of you, and see if you can get their needs met a different way. If you’re saying no, offer to solve the problem in some other way or do a different favor to them. Ask “what do you think?” or “what’s the problem from your end? Sometimes– particularly if the objective isn’t very important, or you’re prioritizing the relationship or self-respect– be willing to reduce your request or back down entirely. A lot of people feel really shitty about taking “no” for an answer, but in reality interpersonal effectiveness sometimes requires saying “okay, I guess I’m not getting this one today.”

One powerful technique is turning the tables: asking the other person to solve the problem. Scripts you can use for this include “what would you do if you were me?”, “pretend you were in my shoes”, and “what do you think we should do?” There is nothing people love more than having their opinions asked. And if they feel like they’re participating in solving the problem, they’re much more likely to try to come to a real solution, instead of just stonewalling you.

Gentle. You know everything I’m going to list out in this bullet point already. Don’t insult people. Don’t harass people. For the love of God, don’t hit people. Describe negative consequences calmly and without exaggerating. Don’t threaten suicide. Don’t make hidden threats. Don’t say “if you were a good person you would…” Pretend that the English language is completely missing the word “should”. Don’t blame people. Don’t say you don’t care about the other person. Don’t tell them their emotions are stupid. Don’t clench your fists, smirk, sneer, roll your eyes, or suck your teeth. Be willing to stay in the discussion, even if it’s painful; if it gets to be too much for you, exit gracefully, and don’t cut them off mid-sentence.

Everyone knows this shit. And yet a lot of people in the heat of the moment wind up doing it anyway. If you have serious issues– such as a tendency to hit people, threaten suicide to get your way, or verbally abuse people– your problems are too big for me to help with a blog post; stop immediately, and if you cannot stop seek help from a good therapist or a perpetrator program. If your issues are smaller, make a firm commitment to gentleness, look for your triggers and leave the conversation as soon as you become triggered, script out your conversations ahead of time so you have something to return to in the heat of the moment, and practice distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills when you need to.

Gentleness is to relationship maintenance what distress tolerance is to DBT as a whole. It’s not going to fix anything, but it’s going to stop you from digging yourself into a deeper hole.

Interested. Listen and pay attention to the other person. Take an interest in their point of view. Nod. Say “mhm, yeah, I get you.” Face the person. If it is comfortable for you, maintain eye contact. Don’t interrupt or talk over the person. Don’t think about what you’re going to say while they’re talking. Don’t get distracted: don’t play with your phone or check Twitter, and if you have to, return back to them and say “Sorry for the interruption. You were saying about the dentist…?” Throw yourself into interacting with the other person. Do one thing at a time.

Now, of course, a lot of people we have to interact with are kind of stupid and boring. However, if you have to maintain the relationship with them, there are solid practical reasons to become interested in them. It makes them like you more, because people love talking about themselves. And when they like you, your interactions are much more pleasant and you’re significantly more likely to get what you want. So try to find the interesting part of the conversation. Work on understanding them well enough that you can pass an Ideological Turing Test. (Unfortunately, faking interest doesn’t work very well– at least on a subconscious level, most people can tell.)

Gentle and interested are the low-hanging fruit. If you don’t do those two things and you start, your relationships will become significantly better.

Validate. There is going to be a really long thing about validation later, but I can talk about it briefly now. To validate someone, express your understanding of them with words and actions. Show them that their feelings are real, that they’ve been heard, that you aren’t judging them, and that you feel empathy for them. Say “I can see this is stressful for you”, or “I can tell you’re really busy”, or “you must be so disappointed.” Appreciate that their opinions, desires, behaviors, or emotions make sense to them– because, you know what, they do. No one believes something if there is literally zero reason to believe it. You don’t have to agree with them, or think what they’re doing is justified; you just have to show that you know how this makes sense. Imagine talking to a four-year-old who demands cookies for dinner: you can say “That makes sense! Cookies are delicious! I wish I could make that broccoli taste like cookies for you!”, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to give him cookies for dinner.

If you’re, say, fighting with your partner about whether zie’s going to Mom’s birthday dinner or the concert zie was looking forward to for months, your partner obviously cares about getting to go to the concert. But zie also cares about you understanding zir and caring about zir needs. So conveying the message of “it isn’t that I don’t understand how much music means to you, or that I don’t want you to be happy; it’s that my mom’s birthday dinner is really really important to me” takes some of the sting out of not going to the concert.

Part of validation is being sensitive to the person’s needs about the conversation. If they want to have the conversation at a later time, be patient. If they are uncomfortable talking in a public place, go somewhere private. If they’re triggered by yelling, lower your voice.

Easy manner. Smile. Make jokes. Don’t be overly serious or grim. Don’t think that you have to show them how wrong they are. Be light-hearted. Use a soft sell instead of a hard sell. Be willing to ease them along. Remember: a little bit of levity can go a long way in convincing people that you’re a kind, likable person– even if they don’t end up giving you what you want.

Fair. GIVE is all about being fair to other people, but you also have to be fair to yourself. You know how I said that no one believes something if there is literally zero reason to believe it? The same goes for you! Your beliefs, wants, feelings, and actions all make sense in context. In order to validate other people, you don’t have to invalidate yourself. It is okay to want things, and it’s okay to ask for what you want.

Apologies. As in: stop making them. Don’t apologize for having an opinion, for asking for something, for having emotions, for disagreeing, or for existing. When you do something wrong, apologize, sincerely and from the bottom of your heart, once. Then shut up. Bite your tongue if you have to. If you’re a chronic over-apologizer, it can help to replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you”: “thank you for taking time out of your day” instead of “I’m sorry to bother you”; “thank you for taking me to the store” instead of “I’m sorry you had to take me to the store.” (If the apology cannot be coherently replaced with “thank you”, then you are allowed to actually apologize.) And don’t apologize with your body language either: don’t look ashamed or slump or keep your eyes downcast.

Stick to values. Stick to YOUR OWN values. This is important: don’t stick to your mom’s values, or your boyfriend’s values, or that thinkpiece writer’s values, or your best friend’s values, or your pastor’s values. YOUR values. If you are a person who really genuinely cares about kindness, then you should be kind; if you are a person who really genuinely cares about telling it like it is, then you should tell it like it is. Be clear on what you think is the right thing to do, and then stick to your guns. (If you’re having trouble figuring out what your values are, there’s a bit in this post that might help.) There are situations where you might need to sell out your values: even if you think stealing is wrong, if you’re starving, you should steal. But if it isn’t very important, then maintaining your values– even in the face of criticism– is one of the most important parts of maintaining your self-respect.

Truthful. Don’t lie. As in “stick to values”, there are some cases where you have to sacrifice your self-respect in order to obtain a very important goal, but in general, you should tell the truth, even if it’s awkward or scary or means that you won’t get an objective you could through lying. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t make up excuses about why you couldn’t do something: explain what happened and face up to the consequences. One kind of lying that’s really harmful to people’s self-respect is acting helpless when they aren’t. The more you get people to do things that you can do, the more incompetent you feel– it tears away at your ability to feel like a functional human being.

Intensity

You can both make and say no to requests at different strengths: sometimes you can be flexible and accept the situation as it is, while other times you can try every skill you know to change hte situation and get what you want. A lot of people tend to assume that if they’re intensely upset about something, they should make the request intensely. This isn’t true. For instance, if someone is cruel to you by accident and you’re very upset about it, it can make sense to still be low-intensity in asking. Conversely, if someone did something seriously out of line and you happen to not be very hurt by it, it can make sense to be firmer than your emotions would indicate. The important thing is to ask yourself what kind of intensity is in your best interest. Be intentional! It’s important to note that this isn’t the same thing as smothering or invalidating your feelings: you can feel exactly as upset as you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

How do you know how intense to be? You can play something DBT calls the Dime Game. You can play the Dime Game with real or imaginary money.

If the person is able to give you what you want (if you’re making a request), or you unable to give the person what they want (if you’re saying no to a request)– for instance, if you’re a store clerk and someone is asking you to go against store policy– give yourself a dime. If your goals are important, give yourself a dime. If the relationship is shaky, even if it isn’t your fault, even if it is– in fact– the other person’s fault, take away a dime. If your self-respect is served by being firm or by being willing to give in, give yourself a dime or take away a dime as necessary. If you’re making a request and the person is required ethically or legally to give you want you want, or saying ‘no’ and you aren’t required ethically or legally to give the person what they want, give yourself a dime. If you’re asking someone you’re in charge of to do something that’s within your sphere of influence, then give yourself a dime; if the person asking you to do something is not an authority (a boss, a teacher) or is asking for something outside their sphere of authority, give yourself a dime. If what you’re asking for is appropriate to the relationship, or what they’re asking for isn’t appropriate for the relationship, give yourself a dime. “Appropriate” is a bit culturally determined, but you’d be likely to walk your best friend’s dogs even if you wouldn’t do that for a neighbor you talk to once or twice a week, and you’d certainly not do your boss’s laundry.

If not asserting your desires or boundaries would create problems later on in the relationship– if you’ve decided this is the hill you are going to die on– then give yourself a dime. If you’re asking for something, and you normally do things for yourself and are careful to avoid acting helpless when you aren’t, then give yourself a dime. If you’re saying no, and you don’t have anything where your conscience is niggling at you and saying “you know, you really should give up your seat for this elderly man”, then give yourself a dime. If you’re making a clear request supported by the necessary facts, give yourself a dime; conversely, if you’re not sure precisely what it is you’re saying no to, give yourself a dime. (Beware the illusion of transparency!) If you’re asking for something and your relationship is basically reciprocal– you give as much as you take, and you’re willing to give the person some things they ask for– then give yourself a dime; if you’re saying ‘no’ and you don’t owe this person a favor and they don’t do a lot for you– or, even worse, if they’re kind of a freeloader– give yourself a dime. If this is a good time to ask, if they’re not hungry or working or at the climax of the new episode of their favorite TV show or trying to fall asleep, if they’re in the mood to hear you out, then give yourself a dime; on the other hand, if you’re saying no to something and you’re currently busy or hungry or just in a bad mood, give yourself a dime.

Now, look at the amount of money and think to yourself “okay, does this seem like a broadly reasonable amount of money, in my heart of hearts, or has something gone totally wrong here?” Sanity-check it. This is just a set of heuristics, and there are a lot of ways they can go wrong.

Okay! So now you have some money. If you have less than ten cents: if you want something, don’t ask and don’t hint; if you don’t want to do something, try to anticipate the person’s needs and do what they want without being asked. If you have twenty cents: hint indirectly about what you want; do what the other person wants cheerfully. If you have thirty cents: hint openly (“I saw Deadpool is at the theater”); do what the other person wants, but feel free to complain about it. If you have forty cents: ask tentatively (“so, I might to go to Deadpool, if you want to go with me”); do what the other person wants, but make it clear that you’d rather not. If you have fifty cents, ask gracefully (“I want to go to Deadpool, but if you’re busy it’s cool”); say that you would rather not do the thing, but if the person pushes do it. If you have sixty cents: ask confidently (“Let’s go to Deadpool”), but be willing to take a “no”; say no confidently, but be willing to reconsider.

If you have more than seventy cents, it’s time to pull out the techniques like negotiation, ignoring attacks, and broken record. Be nice; be sure to use the GIVE skills along with your intensity skills, particularly if you’re interested in preserving the relationship. Think about the higher intensity requests not as being angrier but as being clearer. You can still be perfectly calm and ask in a high-intensity way. It’s important to communicate in high-intensity ways when you mean to, because otherwise people are going to assume that you actually don’t care that much about whatever the thing is and keep asking you. The more cents you have, the harder you should resist; if you have more than a dollar, you should not take no for an answer (if asking) or say no (if refusing) under any circumstances.

It can be hard to figure out how intense you’re being. If you have friends you trust to talk about this, you can ask them how intense they thought you were, and compare that to how intense you thought you were. If your interactions are often ineffective, you might be consistently overshooting or undershooting.

Troubleshooting

If you’re in a fight with someone about a very important request or boundary, begin by applying the broken-record and ignoring attacks skills discussed under “mindful”. If the conflict continues, apply DEAR to the current interaction. (This is best used for intensities above seventy cents. If the intensity is below seventy cents, probably the best thing to do in this situation is to give the person what they want, and when you’re both calmer talk about them setting boundaries and making requests in a more reasonable way.)

Begin by describing the current interaction without saying any motives: “you keep asking me out, even though I have said ‘no’ several times.” Don’t say “obviously you think I’m stupid”, “obviously you don’t love me”, or “it’s obvious that you’re not listening to me.” Actually, if you feel tempted to put “obvious” in the sentence, don’t say it. Next, express how you feel about the interaction: “I feel uncomfortable and pressured because you keep doing this, and it’s starting to make me angry.” Keep the focus on yourself and not the other person: don’t say “you’re so defensive” or “don’t patronize me!” And don’t catastrophize: you don’t want to say “I hate you.”

After that, you can assert your desire for the interaction to end: “Please do not ask me again, because my answer is not going to change.” If you’re saying “no”, you want the person to stop bothering you, and if you’re asking for something, you can give the person some time to think about it. Don’t say “would you shut up?” or tell the person to calm down (which is generally very invalidating); avoid “should”. Finally, you can reinforce the person ending the interaction: “this is frustrating for both of us, and I think we’d both like it to stop.” When you want someone to do something for you, you can suggest that you’ll come up with a better offer later. Don’t provide reinforcements you don’t mean: don’t say “I’m going to get a restraining order against you if you keep asking” unless you actually plan on doing that; don’t say “if you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again”. And don’t insult the person you’re interacting with because they don’t want to give you want you want.

If you did not achieve what you wanted in an interaction, here is a checklist of common mistakes:

1. Emotions get in the way of using skills. Are you in a crisis situation– one where you have self-destructive impulses, cannot use your skills, or are generally overwhelmed? If so: practice crisis survival skills like TIPP or self-soothing, practice mindfulness of current emotions, or refocus your attention completely on the present objective.
2. Not knowing what you’re supposed to be doing. Did you not know what you were supposed to say? Were you confused about how to use a skill? If so: write out a script for the interaction, practice with a friend or in front of a mirror, or ask for advice from someone you trust.
3. Not knowing your goal. Are you undecided about your objective? Are you uncertain whether you care more about the relationship, your self-respect, or your objective? Are you unable to ask for what you want because you’re afraid or ashamed? Are you having a hard time knowing when you’re asking for too much or too little, or saying no too much or too little? If so: write down the pros and cons of different objectives, or use emotion regulation skills on your fear and shame.
4. Caring too much about the short term. Are you thinking about “now, now, now” rather than the big picture? Are you making decisions from your emotions that don’t necessarily accord with your values and goals? Are you avoiding painful conversations? If so: do pros and cons about prioritizing the short term and the long term, or wait until you are less emotional.
5. Worries, assumptions, and myths. Are you afraid of bad consequences from asking for things (“she won’t like me”, “they think I’m stupid”)? Do you think you don’t deserve to get what you want (“I’m bad”)? Are you insulting yourself (“I’m stupid”, “I never do anything right”, “I’ll probably have a crisis this time just like every other time”)? Do you believe myths about interpersonal effectiveness? If so: act the opposite way that your beliefs want you to, check the facts of the situation, and be willing to challenge your beliefs.
6. Environmental factors. Judges, cops, hospitals, jobs, family members, institutionalized racism or sexism, total assholes… there are lots of situations where the environment will keep you from getting what you want, even if you use your skills very well. Are other people more powerful than you? Are you under someone else’s control? Will other people be threatened or dislike you if you get what you want? If so: try problem-solving, work on finding allies, or radically accept that you aren’t going to get what you want.

DBT: Interpersonal Effectiveness Introduction

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This is the last module of DBT!

Interpersonal effectiveness is about relationships– asking for what you want, setting boundaries, figuring out when to end relationships, fixing relationships, making new relationships, accepting relationships as they are, changing relationships. While “relationship” is usually shorthand for “primary relationship” or “romantic relationship”, I intend “relationship” to refer to all manner of relationships– from friends to coworkers to family to romantic partners to your next-door neighbor to the guy who serves you coffee.

Interpersonal effectiveness is weird, because a lot of people have interpersonal effectiveness skills in some areas but not others. For instance, they might be very effective at work, but be completely hopeless in romantic relationships. They might be able to ask for things that they need really well, but they might feel like they won’t have any friends if they say “no”. They might do okay on setting boundaries and communicating about their needs, but when the relationship goes ass-up they might not know how to fix it, or even know that it’s possible. They might do okay when they’re in a relationship, but avoid making new ones. Or they might be able to do all of that, but not know how to identify relationships that are harmful or create problems.

So what interferes with people being able to be interpersonally effective all the time?

Most obviously: they might not know how. In fact, everyone has at least one situation they don’t have the skills for: interacting with children or elderly people, training someone, talking to their doctor. Many times, we don’t notice that we don’t have the skills: we just feel frustrated or angry or blame other people for being obnoxious. It’s hard to know what you don’t know.

Another reason people aren’t very effective is that they don’t know what they want. Many people get in situations where they have a FEEL, and they don’t know why they have a FEEL or what could be done to stop having it or what the feel wants other people to do, but they VERY DEFINITELY HAVE A FEEL, DAMMIT. Sometimes, people wind up in a fight with each other and they don’t know why or how it started, which for obvious reasons makes it difficult to identify your objective in the argument. It can be hard to balance competing needs against each other: for instance, a lot of people wind up fighting with their roommates about the dishes when in reality they care more about not fighting with their roommates than they do about the dishes, or give in on their most cherished values to keep the peace, or refuse to tell a lie even when it’s necessary to get something very important. And a lot of people don’t know how to balance their own needs with other people’s needs– particularly young adults, who are often having to figure out their own boundaries about these things for the first time in their lives, and aren’t very good at it yet.

A third reason is that their emotions get in the way. When your pulse is pounding and your muscles are tense, it’s really hard to think straight and consider the bigger picture. When you’re angry, you can wind up saying something that hurts someone you really care about. When you’re ashamed of your desires, you can avoid asking for them and then never get your needs fulfilled. A fourth reason, which is pretty closely related to the third one, is forgetting your long-term goals and only thinking about your short-term goals: for instance, if the conversation is really unpleasant, you can wind up saying what’s necessary to get it to be over– even if that means you’ll be in hot water a few weeks down the line.

The fifth reason– which is a really big one– is that other people are getting in their way. DBT calls this an “environmental block”. No matter how interpersonally effective you are, if a cop sees you driving drunk, you’re probably going to end up arrested. There are lots of situations where other people are more powerful than you, aren’t going to do what you want unless you sacrifice your self-respect, or won’t like you if you get what you want. A lot of people tend to think there’s a magic secret that they can unlock that means they’ll get everything they want: if they just say the right series of words, they’ll get the job, the beautiful girl will go out with them, and their parents will accept their bisexuality. But, in actuality, there can be a recession in your area, the beautiful girl can be just not that into you, and your parents can continue to be homophobic dicks forever. As inconvenient as it is, other people want things and have autonomy, and that means that even the best interpersonal skills won’t be 100% effective– even though you can improve your odds.

Finally, you can believe myths about human interaction that make it harder for you to get what you want. These myths are like putting a soft focus filter on a camera: everything ends up blurry. Sometimes, we can get so used to seeing the blurriness that we don’t even notice how our vision is distorted! These are some myths people very commonly believe:

• I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
• People should know my needs and boundaries without me having to tell them.
• Everyone should like me.
• I shouldn’t be kind or courteous to people who aren’t kind or courteous to me.
• If someone gets upset with me, I can’t stand it.
• If I just think differently, then I won’t have to bother other people; all my problems are in my head.
• It’s wrong to ask things of people or set boundaries.
• If I can’t fix things myself, I’m weak.
• I should only ask people if I know they’ll say “yes.”
• The most important thing is getting what I want when I want it.
• If I have a good goal, then anything I do is justified to get it.
• Everybody lies.
• Only wimps have ethics.
• Other people don’t deserve me treating them well.
• Other people should be willing to do more for me.
• Revenge feels so good that it’s worth the consequences.

When you notice yourself believing a myth about human interaction, don’t beat yourself up about it! Approach it with an attitude of curiosity: how does this color how I approach people? Remember that there is a grain of truth in all myths: that’s why you believe them! No one believes things that don’t have any evidence in favor. Ask yourself what’s valid about the myth, then ask yourself what’s valid about the opposite of it, and see if you can adopt a more balanced, nuanced position.

The first post in interpersonal effectiveness will be about asking for what you want and setting boundaries; the second will be about getting, maintaining, and ending friendships; and the third will be about walking the middle path.

Mindfulness: Thoughts Are Not Reality

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dbt, ozy blog post

So, here’s an interesting thing I’ve noticed about depression.

When I’m depressed, I tend to think “my life is horrible, I am a terrible person, and I will be crazy forever.” When I am not depressed, I tend to think “my life has good points and bad points but, all things considered, is pretty good and getting better. While it hurts that I’m not currently living up to my values, I can work harder and live up to them eventually, and morally the important thing is that I keep trying. And even if I don’t recover– although the recovery rate for BPD is pretty good– I can have a joyous, happy, virtuous life and still be crazy as a loon.”

Now, I want to be clear what I’m saying here. I am not saying “Depressed!Me thinks my life is horrible and Not-Depressed!Me thinks my life is great.” Depressed!Me has a point about some things! It really does suck to feel suicidal when the house is messy! But there is an important distinction between “I feel guilty because I am a pretty damn ineffective altruist” and “I feel guilty because every part of me is inherently tarnished.”

What I’m saying here is: don’t believe everything you think.

Most people’s brains have a handful of thoughts they really like to play. You can call it their theme song, if you like. One of my theme songs is the imp of the perverse: the urge that makes me go “well, I spilled half my tea, the only reasonable reaction is to spill ALL THE TEA”. The good part about noticing your theme songs is that you can go “welp, that theme song is playing again.” As the Tumblr post says:

the trick to intrusive thoughts is not to try to resist em but like…..let them happen and dont fixate on them…treat them like an annoying friend who’s yelling random shit from the backseat like “hey you could stab yourself in the leg with those scissors” thanks timothy i could also not do that

Identifying your theme songs doesn’t exactly solve the problem. Having a friend constantly yelling from the backseat “you’re a bad person!” or “d e s t r o y e v e r y t h i n g” is likely to ruin your day, even if you recognize he’s full of shit. But it’s definitely an improvement on not recognizing he’s full of shit.

The problem with knowing that thoughts aren’t reality is that you can go a very long time going “yeah, yeah, Ozy, I know, don’t believe everything you think, I KNOW my brain is lying to me all the time” before it actually clicks that you do not have to believe the things your brain is saying just because it is saying them.

A few weeks ago, in group, we did an exercise where everyone wrote down their responses if they said hi to a friend across the street and the friend didn’t respond. I wrote down that I would feel like a horrible person, because I’d violated the rule, and I would be convinced that I’d said hi to a random stranger and that person hated me, and simultaneously convinced that I’d said hi to my friend and they hated me, and worried that there were a bunch of rules about how to say hi to people and I had unknowingly violated them and everyone was going to hate me forever and want me to die, which was only just and right, because I was a horrible person who deserved it.

Much to my surprise, as we went around the group, no one else had this reaction. In fact, in a group of people selected for (a) being crazy (b) being crazy in pretty much the same way I am, absolutely none of them concluded that someone not saying hi to them meant that they deserved to die.

I had always known that this was a completely ludicrous way to react to things. But I think, at that point, I managed to finally grok that that was a completely ludicrous way to react to things.

And the thing is that once I had the deep-down, emotional knowledge that it doesn’t make any goddamn sense, pretty much instantly, I stopped feeling so ashamed. The intellectual knowledge helped some; the emotional knowledge fixed it.

I, unfortunately, do not know how to make other people have such an experience. However, the nice people of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy claim that they can cause you to grok this difference.

If you have a meditation practice, whenever your mind wanders away from your intended focus, pause long enough to recognize what you’re thinking about, then say “thinking” to yourself, then gently and kindly reorient yourself back to what you’re trying to focus on. This gives you practice in recognizing your thoughts as thoughts.

You can also practice focusing on your thoughts, both observing and describing them. Practice noticing what you’re thinking and stepping away from it. It can help to have a metaphor or image: for instance, your thoughts being up on the stage, your thoughts being a leaf on the wind, or your thoughts floating on a river. Three to four minutes at a time is quite enough; meditating on your thoughts is hard.

Finally: when you’re upset, don’t just do something, sit there.

Seriously. The second you notice your emotions getting out of control, or you’re in a stressful situation, or you’re overwhelmed, or you’re in a situation you really don’t want to be in, stop.

Then, carefully and deliberately take your awareness away from your thoughts into your bodily sensations, the feeling of your emotion, the felt sense of your emotions. Drop down into your body. Those sensations are likely to be unpleasant, because you’re in an unpleasant situation. It’s okay. Now, try to bring a gentle, kindly sort of awareness to your bodily sensations. It’s okay if you’re thinking “argh! I hate this! I do not want to pay attention to my damn heart clenching! It hurts!”; just bring a gentle, kindly sort of awareness to the fact that you can’t bring a gentle, kindly sort of awareness to your body sensations. Go up as many meta levels as you need to until you find something you can relate to. Look at your sensations with a sort of interested, friendly curiosity, a “what have we here?” sort of perspective, like you’re looking at an interesting rock you’ve just found.

Step away from your thoughts; notice that they come and go. Remember your thoughts are not necessarily facts, just things your brain is coughing up. See if you can notice any of your theme songs. Remember that your thoughts are not the enemy; be friendly and interested in them, and allow them to be just as they are in this moment. If you’re having a very hard time with it, write down your thoughts on paper (or on a badbrainsblog on Tumblr); the process of writing thoughts down often makes them seem less objectively true and more like crud your brain happens to have come up with.

Mindfulness: Six Mindfulness Skills

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In mindfulness, there are three “what” skills and three “how” skills. I’m going to talk about the what skills first, and then the how ones.

As you read through the skills, there will probably be one or two where you go “I TOTALLY have a handle on that one, I am the BEST at it”, and one or two where you’re like “what, how can people even do that?”. That is perfectly normal.

Observe. Observing is just the trick of paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment. You can observe things inside yourself or outside yourself: you can observe what you see, hear, smell, taste, or touch; the internal experiences of your body like where your limbs are or whether you’re hungry; and your thoughts and emotions. Observing is wordless: just seeing what’s going on. Do not attempt to control what you experience; don’t push things away or cling to them, just notice.

How to practice observing: You can use any of the senses– looking at every detail of a pebble, trying to hear all the little sounds around you, eating a raisin with complete attention to the taste, smelling a perfume, walking and seeing what it feels like when your feet hit the ground, focusing on the sensations in your chest. Of course, the classic thing to practice observing is the breath. People with impulsiveness issues might find that practicing observing their urges without acting on them helps. You can practice stepping away from and observing your thoughts: some people imagine it as a movie screen with their thoughts projected on it, other people as a river with a leaf floating on it. Personally, I prefer Space Invaders and when I observe my thoughts I’m shooting them. Whatever works.

Describe. Describing is putting words on the experience. For instance, you might say “I feel very happy” or “my heart is racing” or “the thought ‘I am a bad person’ has entered my mind”. It is noticing “hmm, I think this emotion I feel is called ‘sad'”, as well as saying to yourself “ah! That is just a thought and it is not necessarily true just because I am thinking it!” Describing involves just the facts– not your interpretations or opinions. When describing, it is best to stick to things that you can observe. So, for instance, you can observe that you are looking at a painting, and that you are experiencing disgust, and that you are having the thought ‘this is a terribly ugly painting’; you cannot observe that the painting is a hideous blight upon creation and the painter ought to be strung up in the public square as a lesson to the others.

How to practice describing: Describe things you interact with– for instance, try to describe (to yourself, or on a piece of paper) everything you can observe about a piece of jewelry, a leaf, or your toothbrush. Describe what other people are doing– without putting in intentions or outcomes you didn’t observe– and check with them to see if you got it right. Do the stepping-away-from-and-observing-your-thoughts thing, except this time when you step away from your thoughts, try classifying them into whatever system you like– “this is a thought about meditation, this is an emotion, this is a thought about that person I’m angry at…” Describe your breathing: “I am exhaling, I am inhaling”.

Participate. Participating is throwing yourself into the current experience. Both observing and describing are just tools to help you participate. Think about learning a new dance: when you’re just starting, you spend a lot of time noticing where your feet are and saying to yourself “left right TURN, left right TURN”, but when it’s clicked, you just dance. Similarly, we often have to drop into observing and describing when something isn’t working quite right, but eventually the goal is to get to participating.

How to practice participating: For some reason, a lot of people are really good at participating when music is involved, and for that reason two of the best ways to practice participating are by dancing and singing. You can also try exercising and focusing on exercising, taking an improv class and focusing on improv, or having a conversation with a friend and focusing on the conversation. If you prefer a more meditative way of doing things, you can try to “become” the breath, a mantra, the numbers when you’re counting your breath, etc.

Nonjudgmentally. This is the skill I have had the hardest goddamn time understanding and it literally clicked, like, two weeks ago. So I am going to do my best to explain it.

“Nonjudgmentally” does not mean not recognizing that some things are helpful and some things are harmful, some things are safe and some things are dangerous. It means that you recognize that all those things are facts about you, your value system, and your preferences, not facts about the thing. “This painting is ugly” is not a fact; “this painting is puce, and I am very unhappy about having to look at this painting” is a fact.

This is a fairly trivial distinction when applied to paintings, but much more important when applied to people. “I am bad” is not a fact; “I do not have a job, which means I cannot donate to charity, which is incompatible with my effective altruist values” is a fact. And the latter is– generally– much more empowering than the former. That’s a thing you can fix! It suggests action steps! “Bad” is not solvable. Similarly, “this person is good” is not a fact; “this person makes me happy to spend time with” is a fact, which allows one to acknowledge negative aspects of that person’s company if they happen to exist.

When you find yourself judging, it is very important not to judge your judging. Do not go “oh no! I am judging! That is terrible and wrongbadevil!” I know some of you scrupulous people are going to do that, and that is literally the exact opposite of the point and gets you nowhere.

How to practice nonjudgmentalness: Observe and describe your judgments, both in terms of thoughts (“I think this painting is ugly”) and in terms of postures, expressions, and voice tones (“I am being sarcastic about this painting”). It can help to make a game of trying to count as many of them as you can (which also helps with the “judging judging” issue, because your emotional reaction shifts to “yay! Found another one!”). You can write out a just-the-facts description of what you did today, something which triggered a strong emotion, or something important that happened to you, leaving out why something happened and whether it was bad or not. Try replacing judgmental statements with nonjudgmental statements of the facts of the situation, the consequences of the events, and your feelings about the whole business. If you are angry at someone, try to imagine their own point of view: their history, their wishes, their emotions, their fears, their thoughts.

One-mindfully. Be present in the moment. Do one thing at a time. When you’re walking, walk; when you’re talking, talk; when you’re worrying, worry; when you’re remembering, remember; when you’re planning, plan. If you are distracted by other actions or other thoughts or strong feelings, go back to what you are doing, again and again and again. Single-task.

Doing more than one thing at a time makes you more inefficient and less capable of learning. Don’t do it. One thing at a time, please. (Please note that I am writing this blog post while drinking tea, eating cheese, and half-listening to a conversation about Supergirl.)

How to practice one-mindfulness: Select some everyday task and attempt to focus only on that task– cleaning house, making coffee, washing the dishes, showering, brushing your teeth. A mindfulness meditation practice is also practice in one-mindfulness. In my experience, after a while of regular mindfulness practice, occasionally you’ll snap into one-mindfulness without even trying. It’s pretty nifty.

Effectively. Now, in some ways, this is a pretty difficult thing. How do we know what ‘effectiveness’ is? On the other hand, you can make tremendous gains in effectiveness just by not doing stupid shit for no reason. Keep track of what your goals are in the situation, and do what is necessary to achieve them. Focus on what works, not on what your emotional urges are telling you to do. Do what is needed for the situation you’re in, not the one you’d like to be in, the one that you would be in if the world were fair, the one that you would be in if so-and-so would just behave like a reasonable human being, or the one that would be much more comfortable. Don’t be willful.

How to practice effectiveness: Make a list of emotions that consistently cause you to be ineffective. Very common ones include anger, hatred, shame, and the desire to be “right”. When you notice those emotions, ask yourself “is this effective?” For me, I’ve noticed that “wilfullness” is actually a particular emotion that I can notice– when I see my inner two-year-old throwing a “I DON’T WANNA” tantrum, I know it is time to do what is effective.

Mindfulness: Doing and Being Mind

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dbt, ozy blog post

There are three stages to a lot of people’s unhappiness.

First, we feel unhappy. Sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, angry, annoyed, overwhelmed, whatever you like. These emotions are part of the normal human condition. We cannot get rid of them (nor would it necessarily be desirable to do so). In the natural course of things, we will be sad for a period of time, and then we would feel something else.

Second, we have thoughts about our emotions.

This is one of the ways chronically depressed people work differently from people who aren’t chronically depressed: when nondepressed people are sad, they tend to think “I feel sad”; when chronically depressed people are sad, we tend to think “I feel useless” or “I feel bad” or “I feel unlovable”. Of course, thinking “I feel unlovable” would make anyone feel depressed. This is true even if you know intellectually that you aren’t unlovable: feeling unlovable still makes you feel like shit.

This applies to a lot of people who aren’t depressed. Anxious people tend to respond to fear by thinking “oh no! I’ll never make it! I’m a failure at everything I try!” People with guilt issues think “I knew I was a horrible person, why do I hurt people so much?” Angry people can wind up thinking about the wrongs others have done them, making them angrier (in my case, I’ve occasionally wound up feeling guilty for my anger, and then blaming the other person for making me feel guilty!).

Some people are (naturally) very afraid of feeling shame or guilt or anger or depression. Even if they’re in a situation where they’d naturally feel sad– for instance, if their dog died or they got yelled at at work– they might fear their sadness means the depression is coming back. So they try to avoid feeling sad at all, which leads to a lot of really fucking terrible coping mechanisms.

Third, we try to deal with our emotions. This is where we get into “doing mind” and “being mind”.

Doing mind specializes in thinking, planning, goal-setting, ideas, and busyness. It is focused on problem-solving and achieving goals. Doing mind is very useful. Every time you go “I want coffee. How can I obtain coffee?” doing mind is there in the background making sure you can reach your coffee-related goals.

Now, sometimes doing mind is necessary in order to deal with your moods. If you’re like “I feel like shit”, you might think “I am going to listen to Hamilton under my weighted blanket and that will improve my mood.” However, sometimes when dealing with emotions, doing mind can run into problems.

In order to achieve its goals, doing mind has to think about your current state (“I’m at home and out of coffee”), your desired state (“I would like to have coffee”), and where you don’t want to be (“I don’t want to spill coffee on myself walking home from Starbucks”.) Unfortunately, in order to problem-solve moods, doing mind still has to think about your current state (“I feel sad”), your desired state (“I wish I were happy, even though I am not right now”), and your undesired states (“I want to stop feeling these horrible things”). And just like thinking “I’m a failure at everything I try!” makes you feel more anxious, thinking “I am sad! I want to stop being sad!” makes you sadder.

The opposite of doing mind is being mind. Being mind specializes in curiosity about your mood, acceptance of what’s going on right now, and being here in the present moment. It is noticing your experience without an agenda: “welp, I’m sad now. Wonder why?” It is lower-intensity. You are focused on the uniqueness of each moment and just letting things happen.

It is important to note that being mind is not the same as suppressing your emotions, and it is certainly not the same as invalidating your emotions. Being mind is acknowledging your emotions and committing to feeling them, not thinking that you shouldn’t be feeling emotions. If you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, you’re not accepting your emotions– you’re just invalidating yourself.

Doing mind is characterized by living on automatic pilot, doing things without even noticing that we’re doing them. Often, we focus so heavily on our goals that we miss life, postponing everything until life is less hectic and we’ll have time to notice things again. Being mind is characterized by intentionality, choosing what to do next, and being fully conscious of the present moment.

Doing mind involves thought– thinking about the world, our feelings, who we are. Being mind involves feelings, experiences, and direct sensation. Doing mind tends to treat thoughts as if they were the same as the things themselves: doing mind doesn’t see the difference between thinking “I am a failure” and actually having failed. Being mind steps away from thoughts, seeing them as mental events that enter and leave and that don’t necessarily reflect reality or require us to do anything about them.

Doing mind often involves mental time travel– going forward to the future, to our ideas of what we want everything to be, or back to the past, ruminating about memories of similar situations. Being mind is fully in the present moment; even when we have thoughts about the past or future, we notice them as part of our present experience.

Doing mind responds to unpleasant experiences by avoiding them, getting rid of them, or destroying them. Being mind approaches unpleasant experiences with interest, curiosity, and respect. Doing mind wants things to change, to be different, to stop falling short in all the ways that they fall short; it is acutely conscious of all the flaws in reality and it wants them to be fixed RIGHT NOW. Being mind doesn’t demand that experience fits with our ideas of what it should be: people in being mind are content with reality, even if it is unpleasant, and content with themselves, even if they are flawed; it is kind and good-willed.

Doing mind is wrapped up in pursuing goals and plans, sometimes at the expense of little pleasures, things that nurture us, or consequences to other people; people who are too much in doing mind often wind up burned out and exhausted. Being mind values the quality of the moment, even if it won’t help the person reach the goal, and is compassionately concerned for the happiness of itself and others.

Mentally, I imagine being mind as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl and doing mind as the schlub she saves from his dreary, boring life. You may have a different way of imagining it. That is fine.

Now, you obviously cannot live 100% in doing mind or being mind. Instead, you should try to synthesize the two minds together into Wise Mind– a balance of doing and being. Wise mind engages in activities, but also is aware of itself. Wise mind has let go of having to achieve its goals, but also throws itself into working towards goals. Most of all, wise mind uses skillful means– doing what works even when it goes against our urges to do so.

This is actually an example of something DBT calls “walking the middle path”. There are a lot of examples of this! For instance, there’s reasonable mind (which balances the checkbook) and emotion mind (which says “I want that”, “help her”, or “aaaaaa run away”). In wise mind, we regulate emotions and make decisions based on reason, but also experience our emotions fully and allow them to motivate us to action. There’s intense desire for change and radical acceptance; in wise mind, we want things to be different and take steps to bring it about, and also are willing to accept what is going on right now. There’s self-denial and self-indulgence; in wise mind, we practice moderation and satisfy the senses.

Note that this isn’t a compromise between two opposites, but a synthesis. You don’t halfway feel your emotions and halfway think rationally; you fully think rationally and fully feel your emotions. It’s both/and. And also notice that “wise mind” is a deeply personal experience: the ideal synthesis of emotion/reason, self-denial/self-indulgence, being/doing, or change/acceptance is different for you than it is for anybody else, because your circumstances are unique. In your own wise mind, you need to find a synthesis that works for you, not for your parents, your friends, your girlfriend, wider society, or anybody else. It’s very easy to say “well, clearly wise mind is doing what my husband wants, he is right and I am wrong about everything”; however, you cannot abdicate your wisdom or your decision-making to other people. (I am terrified by this fact too. But it’s also sort of exhilarating!)

How can you develop wise mind? Here are some things that help people:

• Strategically posting readings, inspirational quotations, or even just “stay in wise mind!” in places you’ll see them, such as your bathroom mirror or the microwave.
• Setting an alarm to go off at a certain time or randomly to remind you to be mindful of your current activities.
• Selecting a particular thing you do every day (making tea, brushing teeth, getting dressed) and trying to bring moment-to-moment awareness to that activity.
• When overwhelmed, reminding yourself that you just have to do one thing at a time– take one step, write one sentence, wash one dish, do one pushup. Let the next moment go until you get there.
• Noticing events in your everyday life, even if they’re small (the taste of food, the feeling of exhaustion, the sensation of wind on your face when you walk outside).
• Staying aware of what needs to be done even when on a break or relaxing.
• Practicing willingness to do what is needed when you notice it is needed, even if you really don’t want to.
• Pausing during the day to ask yourself “what am I thinking? what am I feeling? what sensations are in my body?”, then saying “this is how it is right now”; focusing for a minute on the sensations of breathing, then expanding to the sensations throughout your body, from your posture to your face to your hands; then moving on with your day.
• Stopping during unpleasant experiences to notice what you’re feeling in your body, what you’re thinking, what your mood is, and what is objectively happening in the world.
• And, of course, having a regular meditation practice.