[cw: serial killer fetishism]
A lot of people tend to think of attractiveness as a thing that they do or don’t have. There are some traits, they think, that are attractive to everyone: for instance, skinniness, kindness, wittiness, and fancy car ownership. If they want to be more successful romantically, they will try to acquire more attractiveness: for instance, they will start exercising, be nicer to the waiter, or save up to purchase a bright red Ferrari.
From my perspective, that’s exactly the wrong thing to care about.
For instance, think about ‘not being a serial killer.’ Not being a serial killer is an extremely attractive trait. Most people would immediately dump their partner upon discovering that the person is a serial killer. Therefore, I should be able to put ‘not a serial killer’ on my dating profile and get a ton of messages, right? It’s a super-attractive trait!
Nope! In fact, the opposite is true: serial killers notoriously receive lots of love letters. Some people are like “Oh! It must be true that serial killers are extremely attractive, more attractive than non-serial-killers! Damn women, always dating jerks!” (This isn’t actually a female trait, except insofar as serial killers are mostly male and women are mostly heterosexual; the murderer Casey Anthony also received a lot of love letters.) But that doesn’t pass the sniff test: I mean, do you want to date a serial killer? Do any of your friends?
The real answer is that there are very few serial killers in the United States: perhaps two hundred in the past century, of which many are old or dead or never caught. There are a hundred fifty million women in the United States. If only one in 75,000 women has an interest in serial killers– a tiny minority of the population, about as many as there are balloon fetishists– then there are ten women interested in serial killers for each serial killer. What matters is not how attractive a trait is to the general population: not being a serial killer is more attractive than being a serial killer. What matters is the relationship between how many people like a trait and how many people have a trait.
Consider the standard ‘conventionally attractive’ traits. There are many more women who are attracted to men with swimmers’ builds than there are men with swimmers’ builds, so those men do quite well for themselves. Conversely, there are many more people with acne than there are people who find acne extremely attractive, so acne is not a particularly attractive trait.
But there is one really important implication of this model: it doesn’t matter how few people want your trait, as long as even fewer people have it. You can improve your dating life by cultivating traits most people dislike, as long as even fewer people have those traits.
I am a nonbinary transgender person and I look it. Most people are not particularly attracted to nonbinary people– either because they don’t like androgyny or because they don’t think nonbinary is a real thing. Nevertheless, I have been fairly romantically successful, because as few people who like nonbinary people as there are, there are even fewer nonbinary people. The imbalance is all to my favor.
A related implication is that it can make sense to target small groups. The classic example, of course, is LGB people: while there are very few lesbians, lesbians pretty much just want to date other lesbians, so the tiny dating pool isn’t a problem. If you have Insert Weird Fetish Here, it makes you unattractive among normies, but very attractive among people with Insert Weird Fetish Here. If you’re goth, a lot of people will be turned off, but there are still more people who are attracted to goths than there are goths.
Thing of Things 
Add to this the question of what traits you can in fact pull off convincingly. Suppose that the number of hard-core PUAers is much less than the number of women who are attracted to such people.
Still doesn’t make sense for most people to try and become one, becuause no matter how small the group of people attracted to PUAers is, the group attracted to “not very good PUAers” is much smaller.
But overall, yay for market-based dating analysis.
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Agreed.
There is the issue of the sorts of people who are attracted to you. What I mean is, in theory it shouldn’t matter, cuz we might hope that attraction would sort out pretty evenly. But for trans women — well maybe in raw psychological sense the attraction to us is “spread even” across the population. I dunno. In practice it doesn’t quite work that way.
The thing is, there is the raw attraction, but there is also the willingness to publicly express that attraction in the face of transphobia.
I’m trans and sapphic, so for me it works out pretty nice. There are quite a few very lovely trans gals. Many of us face ridiculous prejudice among cis wlw. So we date each other. It’s easy and fun.
Honestly I think it’s about the best thing ever. Yay being a trans lesbian.
But my best friend is str8. Likewise, she is sensitive, romantic, and low-libido. She has less-than-zero interest in “chaser culture.” She is terrified of being “used.” She wants romance, dinners out, all of that. Her dream is to sit in the soda shop with a cute boy and drink one milkshake with two straws. Later they might hold hands.
Can she find that?
Honestly I don’t know. I really don’t know. Is hers a distant dream?
I love her. It makes me so sad.
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Plenty of romantic, low-libido straight guys out there.
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@andrewflicker — Yep. But, how many will publicly date a transgender woman?
Which, she is pretty. Like, I’m legit in love with her (she knows), so … nice body, nice face. She passes “okay” (‘cept her voice). Anyway, she’s a “catch,” but she’s trans. So whatever guy comes along, he’s gotta want that.
Janet Mock found a man like that. But Janet Mock is Janet Mock.
It’s complicated.
I’ve been out to bars with her (my friend, not Janet Mock), and yeah guys make a play for her, but they’re usually pretty creepy chaser-sorts. (Take my word for this. I got spidey-sense about these guys.) She needs a really good guy.
I have another friend who found a really cool guy, ex-military pilot, classy dude. He took her out for a few dates, until it was time. They finally “hooked up.” He never called her again.
I mean, this shit happens to cis women also, but I think it is manifestly more common for trans women. I think the difference is substantial.
My friend has literally no experience dating men. I fear her “crash course” will be an unhappy one. I hope she gets lucky and finds a “good one” in the first few tries, before she turns bitter.
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Yeah, fair point- I misread your post and thought your friend was cis. Anyway- I think the number of straight guys like that are growing- but trans-acceptance is a pretty new movement in the mainstream! It’s pretty amazing how fast it’s growing, considering the usual time-lag on social acceptance!
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Things are definitely better. It’s just, being a trans lesbian these days is really pretty easy, so long as you live in an accepting area with a decent-sized LGBTQ+ community (I’m in Boston). But for str8 trans women, it remains pretty dismal. Better, but still depressing.
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@veronica d
Perhaps she’s looking for romance in the wrong environments. As andrewflicker noted, there are plenty of romantic, low-libido straight guys, but the overwhelming majority of them probably aren’t trying to pick up women in bars.
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@shemtealeaf — Agreed. For the record, she isn’t a bar-hopper. I am, and I don’t really go out to “hookup,” but more to “get out of the house and be gorgeous.” I love to go out and dance. She sometimes tags along, although less frequently these days, for just the reasons you state. It’s not her kind of space.
She really needs to give OkC a shot. But still … she scared.
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Wouldn’t a smaller dating pool, regardless of other characteristics of the group, result in more conflict/drama? The smaller a dating pool, the more likely any given person knows any other given person, which would increase stuff like running into exes, dating someone an ex had dated, whatever.
For instance: “…lesbians pretty much just want to date other lesbians, so the tiny dating pool isn’t a problem.”
Whopping sample size of two: I know people who have complained of the small dating pool and resulting degrees-of-separation issue for women dating women, in a city with a significant LGBT population. Never heard gay or bisexual men complain, though.
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Smaller dating pool may work out okay if you’re living in Megapolis with a population of twenty million, so there’s a better chance that there are at least ten people who like your particular Undesirable Trait and you can find them there.
Not so good for someone living in Smallville, population ten thousand (in the summer when the tourists arrive).
I admit, I don’t get the serial killer thing at all. Some messed-up psychology? I have no idea.
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I and my two friends live in Megapolis, relatively speaking. One expressed a sentiment of jealousy that I could find women to date who don’t all know each other one way or another.
I’m also intrigued, more I think of it, by the fact that I never hear gay or bisexual men complaining about the effects of a smaller dating pool. This despite the fact that I know considerably more gay and bisexual men than I know gay and bisexual women. I know that they haven’t escaped the “everyone is dating everyone else’s ex” situation – they just don’t seem to care as much.
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I’m still mysified at why *anyone* is attracted to serial killers. Thoughts?
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I don’t have any good data on this, so take this with a grain of salt, but since you asked for “thoughts” and not “well-supported, evidence-based thoughts” — maybe some people are attracted to serial killers because they think that if they’re special and caring and amazing enough, they can fix or redeem them through the power of love? I mean, the way I’m phrasing it makes it sound dumb, and it’s likely that they wouldn’t phrase it exactly that way themselves, but some sort of semi-conscious fantasy of being the Princess who turns the Beast into Prince Charming? (This mainly applies to straight women attracted to male serial killers.)
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Probably because we see through a glass, darkly, and a substantial portion of our interactions with others are really with the shadows of them that exist in our mind. It’s a lot easier to love the romanticized idea of something than the thing in itself.
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This might be TMI-ish but…
I am sane and self-preserving enough that I would never want to actually date a serial killer obviously, and I don’t think murder is remotely morally ok in real life obviously, but I admit that I do find the idea of female serial killers sexually attractive, It’s a fucked up fetishistic thing. I just find women murdering men to be hot IDK? I have no idea if my experience is similar to that of the women attracted to male serial killers here though, nor do I understand why they would actually want to date a serial killer in real life.
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There’s a public perception that serial killers tend to be hypercompetent – intelligent, assertive, charismatic, all that. Not sure how accurate that is, but people make assumptions, plus fame is itself quite an attractive trait to many people.
Plus there are always murder fetishists.
I suspect at least some of those letters come from people who wouldn’t actually want to meet, which bumps up the numbers a bit.
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It strikes me that “non-hypercompetent would’ve-been serial killer” is probably more likely known as “convicted murderer”
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I’m not sure I agree with this. I’m a straight man, and there are approximately 500,000 women who live close enough for me to realistically date. Using a generous approximation, about 30% of them are within my dateable age range, bringing us down to 150,000. At least half of those are probably women who I wouldn’t even consider dating for one reason or another, leaving us with 75,000. If I’m a serial killer, that leaves me with, on average, approximately one potential girlfriend.
Another somewhat related point: this strategy means that you’re basically limited to a passive romantic/sexual strategy. outside of very specific contexts like a fetish club, it’s very unlikely that any given romantic prospect i If you want to have a good chance of striking up a conversation with the girl you have a crush on a school or the hot guy at the gym, I think you’re better off trying to cultivate ‘conventionally attractive’ traits.
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Unless the people you’re interested in tend to be interested in your niche — which is usually the case if you have a niche, isn’t it?
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Well, like take the niche “nerdy guy who likes boardgames.” It’s a cool niche. However, there does seems to be a notable gender imbalance. So those are pretty stark odds.
On the other hand, my niche is “trans lesbian who is totally down with other trans women.”
For the most part, the “gender balance” (tee hee) in my space is magically self-correcting — well mostly. We’ll set aside the degree to which we interact with cis women.
If you’re niche is “fitness dude with great abs who likes hotties” — well I don’t actually know the gender balance of that space, insofar as I’m pretty far outside that nice, but I suspect it works out better than “nerdy guy who likes board games.”
For this to work, you have to find a nice where 1) you’re happy, 2) you’re “status” lands in a decent place, and 3) there is a good enough gender balance. (#2 and #3 are obviously related.)
So yeah, I think in practice shemtealeaf’s point stands.
(From a market perspective, wouldn’t it be great if we were all bi.)
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s/nice/niche/
(What an amusing typo.)
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Right — having the niche you’re interested in performing be the same as the niche you’re interested in dating within makes things a lot easier.
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Well yeah. But what I get from @shemtealeaf is simply, being strong-muscle-great-abs guy is going to pay off pretty universally. That’s not to say that some women won’t like that look, but a lot do. It’s a good strategy. Being the-biggest-bad-at-CCG-games, on the other hand — well I mean, it’s obvious how that isn’t a great dating strategy in general. So even if you are interested in dating within that niche, well it’s tough haul. There are a lot of other thirsty guys and only so many gals. You’re probably better off hitting the gym.
I dunno. His point seems obviously true.
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Consider the situation for the serial killer fetishist, though: There are perhaps a few dozen potential people you could have a relationship, so you’d better be very conventionally attractive, or else stalk one of them to figure out their specific fetishes and acquire those traits; cultivating your niche won’t help you at all. More mild versions of this are true for anyone with dating restrictions.
Because of that, this is advice that only works for the conventionally fairly attractive. (Which does include you, Ozy.)
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All y’all transgender lesbians can take comfort in this. Even if you don’t pass as a woman, HRT and makeup will probably be enough to make you look like a feminine man. And there are more straight women who like feminine men then there are feminine men.
I know it’s disappointing to not pass enough to date lesbians, but there are plenty of cool straight women who love you and respect your pronouns. Plus bi/pan women.
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Can any trans women comment on whether this is actually an appealing prospect? If gender is a critical part of your identity, I can see how this might not be a great situation.
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It’s complicated. A lot of times we date each other. Which, as I mentioned in my post, is actually pretty great.
And “passing as a woman” is a really complicated topic. This kind of simplification just bulldozes over some complex shit. We are women (which can be modified by various levels of non-binary coping). So when we hookup, we are women-loving-women. So … yay! I always wanted to be a cute lesbian making out with other cute lesbians. I get to do that.
Like, I don’t pass for shit. I’m kinda okay with that.
Anyway, I’m a bit old to try to play the bishi scene. I might be able to pull it off, but why bother? I mean, I want to love women. I see literally zero fucking reason to prefer cis women over trans women. Certainly I don’t wanna play the “basically a femme guy but with tits” routine to do that. Ewwww.
(Plus [citation needed] on more femme-guy-loving-women than femme guys.)
I take what comes, that which I can make work in my circumstances. Mostly that turns out to be trans women. Which, yay!
I think there is some not-so-well-disguised transphobia baked into what Gwen said.
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Let me add, although this is a bit awkward. Hormones work! They really work. They are literally amazing.
They don’t (always) change bone structure. So sure, if you date a trans woman, she’ll be on average taller. She’ll on average have a thicker jaw. Etc. We know this. But we have natural breasts, soft skin, female erotic responses. Etc, etc, etc. Loving a trans woman is really in fact loving a woman.
Sure, there are some differences, but so what? Honestly, I don’t care about the differences. The things that matter to me, trans women provide in full measure.
There is this not-quite-concealed notion here that, maybe I really would want cis women, and that trans women are a “consolation prize” or whatevs. Okay, Gwen didn’t say that. But, it seems implied. However, that’s not true.
I don’t know what else to tell you all.
Plus, there are cis wlw who will date trans gals. I’ve had more than one try to pick me up.
Honestly, the few who have don’t measure up to the trans women I date. (‘Cept this one weird Russian cis lady, but that’s a loooong story.) Furthermore, I know a fair number of trans wlw who end up dating cute cis women. It seems to be less common, but it’s not like “magic unicorn” shit either. I know some cis gals who would probably date me — I dunno. I don’t ask. I’m busy with other trans women.
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Hypothesis time: do you know if trans individuals who see greater changes in bone structure also have shown (either pre or post hormones) more rapid healing of broken bones? I’m wondering if it’s related to natural variation in individual osteocyte activity and consequent bone turnover.
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@Cerastes — Mostly it seems to be age. If a nineteen-year-old gal starts ‘mones, her “second puberty” will often lead to actual changes in her pelvic structure. Likewise, I know this one young woman who went down two shoe sizes. Like, she had before-and-after pics of her feet. They seriously shrunk. She began HRT in her early twenties.
I haven’t heard of any real changes to jaw structure, although it wouldn’t surprise me for someone in their late teens, early twenties. My recent ex began at age 18, and there have been noticeable changes to her face, although I can’t say how much of that is bone, how much is fat distribution, and how much is cuz she was already a pretty girl before HRT. (Some of us get lucky.)
Me on the other hand, I transitioned in my 40’s. My poor old bones ain’t gonna change for shit, so I just get used to being a big ol’ obvious tranny.
I’m clever and I dance good, tho. So yay.
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As Veronica notes, hormones change a lot; I’m not sure how many straight women are looking for a man who’s “feminine” in the sense of having breasts, as opposed to stereotypically feminine. Maybe a lot! But …
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I honestly don’t know. The thing is, a str8, het-normative cis woman might think I’m totes cute. And fine. However, if she is het-norm, then she’s used to being pursued, and not being the pursuer.
Which, there is much I can say about that shit sandwich, but let us move on.
Anyway, I’m very unlikely to “hit on” a str8-seeming cis woman. Likewise, if a str8 cis woman started hitting on me, honestly I would mostly be confused.
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Okay, so it’s kinda-sorta happened. I’ve had women hit on me, who were nominally str8. In fact, this has happened twice. (Once was the weird Russian lady I mentioned in my other post.) But the thing is, in talking to these women — look, not every gay person quite knows they are gay yet. Many people struggle with their gay identity, while still living a str8 life, until something just kinda “gives.”
My point, the “waaay-in-the-closet-lesbian-who-dates-trans-women” is a thing. I believe I’ve met at least two.
I ended up making out with both of them, but it didn’t go further. The thing is, I think they expected me to pursue them the way a man pursues women. In fact, I think they are attracted to trans women because we have female bodies, but they trick their brains into seeing us a kinda-sorta men.
See, this way they don’t have to face being gay.
This is my theory. I cannot prove it. But I can say this, when I talked to these women about their relations with men — nah! they gay af.
Look, I smell like a woman. I have skin like a woman. I am shaped (more or less) like a woman. In so many subtle ways, I am more female than male. If you are a woman with deep lesbian attraction, I will trigger (some of) those urges.
So yeah. I don’t know for sure. I cannot prove anything. But it seems plausible enough.
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Being trans, the problem is not so much that people are not attracted to us as women. They are. The problem is, instead, all their internal bullshit over this fact.
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The problem with this, considered as advice, is that all of the obvious examples tend to fall into one of two categories. One is things that people have little to no control over; I probably *would* be more romantically/sexually successful if I were homosexual, but that’s just not going to happen. And the other category is interests; to borrow your example, maybe I’d be more successful if I did gothy things, but doing gothy things has a negative value in my personal utility function. I’d guess fetishes fall partly into both categories, since you can’t really wake up one morning and decide that you immediately have a new fetish (anyone can feel free to contradict me on this point if they actually can do this), but you could probably cultivate one over time if you really, really wanted to. Most people really aren’t going to want to.
And it makes sense that it’d be this way; the situation is anti-inductive. If there were something nonintrusive-to-your-life that’d just be an easy romantic win in this way, people would figure it out and start doing it, and the pool would become saturated.
Considered as encouragement for (some, not all) unconventionally attractive people, though, this post is useful. And the statistics do back you up, but I think you probably already knew that.
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It kind of sucks to be on the other end of that equation – according to popular opinion, there are more 30 year old male virgins than there are women into 30 year old male virgins. (I got lucky enough to find one, though.)
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Right. I mean, I doubt very many women at all are into “30 year old male virgin” as a class. Like, I’ve literally never heard a woman say, “I’m looking for a nice guy, but it would be really nice if he was in his 30’s and had never had sex…” That’s just not a thing.
Of course, no one is only-a-virgin-and-nothing-else. Such a man almost certainly has other cool hobbies or interests. Likewise, he could cultivate more.
Which of course is kinda the point I think. The “30 year old male virgin” niche ain’t gonna work, not on its own. You gotta get something else.
(I grew tits.)
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Uh, maybe some of us never say that because we think it would sound a bit creepy and fetishizing? It doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t exist 🙂
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Well fair enough, but I hear a lot of people openly admit to a lot of attractions. Likewise, there are ways to talk about being “attracted to X” without falling into the fetishization trap, although it’s tricky.
I’ll say this, if there is a significant population of women just itching to get down with 30-year-old virgins, then there is some serious market failure going on here. Maybe we’d all be better off if the men in question gave the women in question a get-out-of-fetishization free card.
(After all, if two people are happy, who gives a fuck what everyone else says!)
(Yeah I know it’s more complicated than that.)
I’m pretty sure that, whatever our differences, everyone here agrees that people finding love and connection is a good thing. So all you virgin-seeking-gals, let it out! Express yourself!
This will produce happiness.
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Well, it’s not all rosy. These women will be dealing with men who have shit relationship skills, probably a ton of baggage and insecurities and shit. I dunno. There are no good models for these relationships. It would take a certain sort of woman to thrive in this situation.
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For the record, I transitioned after age 30, so I was still “boy” back then. And in fact, quite curiously, I lost my PIV virginity at that age, literally 30. So yeah. I had some hookups back in high school, and just after, but no PIV, cuz trans stuff. So…
Dudes, I feel ya here!
(And can I say, it was rather unpleasant to be a nineteen-year-old boy-like-thing and have your [so called] best friend write a song for his locally popular punk band titled “Can’t Get It Up,” which was then publicly dedicated to me. Boy that was fun. Girls were just lining up to date this sad, broken emofag.)
I’m still an emotional trainwreck with fucked up insecurities that burden my relationships. In fact, this played a notable role in my most recent breakup. Blah.
Anyway. Some things are really actually hard. Some things are terrible.
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Take it from a not-quite 30 year old virgin: I honestly could not care less what people fetishize me for. You have your reasons, I have mine. As long as it’s compatible, everyone can be happy.
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@Autolykos — Yep.
I’ll just add, there is a difference when you’re talking about, for example, the fetishization of trans women. In our case, it’s not just this one guy with a weird attitude. Instead, it’s pretty much society-wide and heavily reinforced by the media. In other words, it is hard for us to escape fetishization, hypersexualization, desexualization (and these do not contradict), etc. For us, it’s pretty much a rotten, never ending shitshow.
Anyway, I don’t think thirty-year-old male virgins face anything like that. They face different stuff. Thus, when thinking in social justice terms, we should look for a different analysis.
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There is some related data on this.
https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/page/5/
“As you can see, a woman gets a better response from men as men become less consistent in their opinions of her.”
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This is fascinating. Also, it would seem to suggest that the rational strategy as a man in that situation is to message women you find cute but not very attractive, because most men appear to be playing at exactly one meta-level up. Can that principle be generalised to ‘Target potential dates based on how likely they seem to have lots of competition, because this apparent likelihood is an indicator of less competition’? Maximise personal variance, minimise date variance. And then don’t spread word of this strategy around, because then it won’t work anymore.
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You’d probably get better results just lifting weights, tho, and then messaging the women who you find attractive.
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I’d probably just do the stuff mentioned in
and message whoever seems interesting. Another thing OKC claims is that attractiveness doesn’t contribute that strongly towards the health or happiness of a long term relationship.
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That is a reasonably good article.
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Are people really attracted to traits in the way that is implied here?
I mean, I think I have preferences, and some traits tend to be unattractive to me while some others tend to be attractive, but it’s not set in stone. For a conventional romantic purpose, I think for most people the problem is not about “how to find a person whose traits and preferences do not exclude me as a partner” but “how to communicate being romantically available”.
For example, poor social skills (broadly defined) are not a universally unattractive trait, but they do make it much harder to communicate availability without appearing creepy or attracting genuinely creepy people.
Niches work great, they make it easier to find like-minded people and they provide an excuse for casual interaction between strangers. I tend to think them as useful more as a social context than as a filter.
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That’s an interesting way of looking at things. I always think of it more as everyone has different taste, so no matter how weird/ conventionally unattractive you are, there will always be someone out there who is attracted to you!
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Sadly there’s a double edge to that, though; If you are conventionally unattractive in a way that lots of other people also are, you will be competing with them for the small number of people who are attracted to that pool. At least unless society shifts to polyamoury/ non-monogamy soon. And even among those who would succeed, the competition can be fierce enough to be totally off-putting.
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Yeah that kind of makes sense. I guess my problem is that I’m conventionally attractive in a way that a lot of people are so there’s too much competition!
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It useful, tho, to understand the game you’re playing and who you’re playing it “against” — which, we can unpack the notion that dating is competitive, but certainly if you’re the person without a date among a group with dates, well it certainly feels a certain way.
So anyway.
If you aren’t a rich gal who looks like Scarlett Johansson, well you’re working to attract a certain set of people. Knowing that set, their tastes, the nature of the competition, etc., is certainly useful.
You know the joke, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!”
Tee hee.
Given my own demographic limitations, I look pretty good.
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Welp. I was re-reading this post and I wasn’t aware I’d made this comment 2.5 years ago.
Aaand as it happens my own egg cracked 6 months ago so it looks like my niche advantage has gone from weak (as a 5’4 effeminate man when I made this comment) to strong (as a 5’4 trans woman with naturally feminine features). Wow, funny seeing this from a new perspective.
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If you ask me, I think you are genius!!! Not just your logic (you are probably a mathematics machine) but the fact that you were able to articulate an extremely sophisticated model. Either way, thank you for verbalizing it. I never knew the science behind why people who are freaking jerks always get the best shawties and good one’s like me are habitually stuck with the poop-end of the stick.
This actually explains it for me and I thank you for that. Unfortunately, I am at a gross disadvantage because at first glance, I am pretty darn typical. People don’t know how special and rare I am until they get to know me, so I get blown off or the “you are too nice and blah, blah, blah.”
Either way, dating takes a lot of thought and calculation as you have clearly demonstrated in your own way. Now that you have given us some insight using ratios and logic and our minds are right, we can put it to use with some dating tips from Every Bitch Should Have A Blog http://www.ebshab.com/index.php/2016/02/02/7-tips-for-dating-again-over-30/
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