There isn’t actually any way you can be inclusive of both me and Mary Daly.

I discover Mary Daly is attending our local theology conference. I go up to the conference organizer and say “If she attends, I’m not going. Mary Daly hates me and people like me, and she is going to misgender me.”

The conference organizer says, “Our conference has a rule against transphobia, so if Daly does something transphobic, then we can kick her out, but we’re not going to censor her based on her viewpoints.”

I say, “okay, but I don’t exactly trust your ability to figure out whether people are being transphobic or not. For one thing, you just invited Mary Daly. So rather than have her call me “she”, which will cause me a lot of pain, and then go through the process of complaining to you guys, who may or may not think that this was just a mistake or a legitimate expression of Mary Daly’s views or whatever, I am just going to give your conference a miss and stay home in my pajamas with my cat. My cat is definitely not going to misgender me.”

They say, “okay, but what if we express a promise from Mary Daly that she is not going to misgender anyone and she is going to be totally polite to trans people the whole time and not say anyone is living in a contrived and artifactual condition or anything?”

I say, “even assuming she does that, I’m not super-comfortable with being in the same room as her! She calls people like me necrophiliac Frankenstein’s monsters! Even if she is totally pleasant the entire time, she is going to be thinking awful things about me, and I don’t want to go to this conference. And I know I’m not the only one– there are a lot of trans people, certainly not all trans people but a lot of trans people, that are going to go through the same thought process I’m going through, and if you invite her you’re in effect disinviting all of us.”

The conference organizers say, “okay, but how many theology-interested trans people are there? Y’all are less than one percent of the population.”

“But men are fifty percent,” I say. “She literally advocated genocide against men. Are you seriously arguing that there are no men who are going to want to avoid a conference where one of the speakers thinks they should be cleansed from the earth?”

I am not certain that we can say it is unethical for the conference organizers to decide that, all things considered, that they would rather have all the people who are made uncomfortable by the presence of Mary Daly than Mary Daly. Certainly if all the conference organizers make this same decision– perhaps because I am a kind and pleasant individual and Mary Daly has never met a horrifying multilingual dad joke she didn’t like– it would be unfair to Ms. Daly, who perhaps has some tremendously interesting things to say about theology that are totally unrelated to genocide. Perhaps we decide that the risks of banning people for their ideas are too large, so we have to let Ms. Daly speak at the theology conference.

But my point is: ideas hurt people sometimes. There is no option where you get to include everyone. There is no option where everyone wants to attend your conference. There are tradeoffs. Weigh them, and choose.