One of the recurring subgenres of the “people complaining about lack of fiscal responsibility” article are the people complaining that the government has spent money on some kind of ludicrous-sounding scientific research. For instance, here we have someone upset that scientists received eight hundred thousand dollars to research snail sex.

First! I would like to point out that previous research about animal sex taught us that ducks have anti-rape vaginas. If you don’t think that’s the coolest thing in the world, I do not know what to do with you. ANTI-RAPE VAGINAS, PEOPLE. Even if this research were totally useless, finding out interesting facts about animal fucking is pretty much the best thing the government could spend money on and I highly approve of it.

Second! The government is not loads in debt because they have spent a lot of money on research about animal fucking. The government spends most of its money on Social Security, the Department of Defense, and “Unemployment/Welfare/Other Mandatory Spending.” The Department of Animal Fucking Research was, unfortunately, too small to show up on the pie chart.

Third! Research into animal fucking is actually really important. In general, to pass your genes on to the next generation, you need to survive long enough to have babies and then have babies. Sex often plays a key role in the baby-having process, although sometimes it doesn’t. Understanding how animal sex works helps us understand how evolution works, which means a greater understanding of why literally everything alive is the way it is. If you’re too immature to respond to the topic of sex with anything other than a fifth-grader’s “hurr sex,” that’s a valid life choice, but you should probably refrain from talking about biology.

Fourth! Research into biology in general is really important! Norman Borlaug saved a billion people worldwide from starvation via government-funded biological research. (The government in question was Mexico, but still.) Even if the rest of biology spent its grants on pot and beer, biological research would still be one of the most beneficial things any government has ever done. Of course, biologists didn’t spend all their grants on pot and beer: they went about finding cures for diseases and improving agricultural yields and figuring out how life on earth came about and discovering that ducks have anti-rape vaginas. THANK YOU BIOLOGISTS. YOU GUYS ROCK.