So Scott (who is my boyfriend) pointed people to my blog and was all “Ozy writes about zir experiences as a camperson!” and I was like “shit, I have never actually written about my experiences as a camperson!” so now I have to do that thing.

So. Here are, as far as I can tell, all the types of people that come visit me in my chatroom:

1) The Guy Who Doesn’t Get That This Is A Job.

This is a conversation I have about ten times a shift:

Dude: Take your top off!
Me: You gotta give me a little bit of encouragement first, sugar.
Dude: I’m totally sexy, I have a big cock, I can show you a good time in private, just take your top off!
Me: Well, darling, take me into private and I’d be happy to take my top off for you.
Me: (ignores him)

I am not sure why those guys are here. I mean… okay, it’s called My Free Cams, but it’s not actually free. This is my job. Everyone else seems to understand that. Do they seriously think there’s a large population of attractive young women who are so desperate for sexual attention that they are going to take their clothes off, for free, for guys about whom they know nothing other than that he wants them to? Are these the same guys who holler “sexxxxy!” from cars? That would explain a lot.

Also, seriously, I don’t care how sexy you are. I am not doing this job for my sexual gratification; I’m doing it because fiftysomething divorcees have a lot of spare cash to spend on camgirls.

2) The Guy Who Is Hopelessly In Love With You.

So much so that he wants to hang around in your chatroom for two hours just sort of… watching. And occasionally asking you what your favorite book is, or telling you how pretty you are, or talking about how he’s going to take you out on a date to a country music hall.

Some of these guys are pretty good tippers, which makes me feel really guilty because I’m taking money from someone who is Hopelessly In Love With Me. Even the ones who aren’t good tippers can often make you seem charming and sexy, which means that other people will like you and take you into private. I always end up feeling outright contempt for them, which makes me feel like a terrible person, because it’s not like they did anything wrong other than have a giant crush on me. But pretending to have a crush on someone when I don’t makes me feel really icky, and so I end up dealing with it by disliking the guy so I don’t have to hate myself for taking advantage of him. Bleh.

3) The Guy Who Wants To Watch Girls Masturbate. 

I really really like this guy. He takes you into private, asks you to strip for him, and then wants you to come three or four times while talking about how much you want him to eat you out and fuck you. Usually he doesn’t even talk that much. I love this guy, because a show with him is basically being paid four dollars a minute to masturbate. Best. Job. EVER.

However, I always wonder if I should point him to the existence of porn. Like. There is a lot of porn where you can silently watch a girl masturbate, you do not have to pay me sixty dollars to do so. I mean, he must get something out of it, right? It’s not just that he doesn’t know that I Feel Myself exists? I mean, I can’t believe that someone’s been on the Internet for long enough to find a camsite but not for long enough to figure out that you can get porn for free.

…Maybe they just all believe in supporting our sex workers. I approve of that!

4) The Guy With The Really Specific Fetish. 

“I want you to stand there in your panties for twenty minutes and repeat the word ‘pussy.’” “I want you to spend half an hour talking about how big my cock is and begging for my come on your face.” “I want you to put the camera near your feet and just stand there. No, you don’t have to do anything, just stand there and occasionally command me to lick them.” “Slap your face for ten minutes straight.” “Put clothespins on your nipples. No, don’t masturbate, just put clothespins on your nipples and twist them sometimes.” “I want you to describe seducing me in a coffeeshop, except that I’m a girl.” (I actually suspect that that last one was a closeted trans woman, and I wish them the best of luck.)

I totally understand why those people don’t just use porn. I imagine even Rule 34 has difficulty with “thin small-breasted girl in glasses with unshaven pussy, in panties, repeating the word ‘pussy’ in a low yet sweet voice.”

5) The Cuckold Fetishist.

You would think, given that I’m always filed under the “barely legal” equivalent category, I would get a lot of ageplayers and people who want to fuck the babysitter and stuff. Nope. It is JUST CUCKOLD FETISHISTS.

Specifically, cuckold fetishists who want me to tell them about all the unprotected sex I’m having with men, preferably black or with big cocks or both, because their cock is too small to satisfy me. And then they lick out the come from my pussy and I make them have anal sex with or give a blowjob to the guy with a big black cock. Also, sometimes I get pregnant and become, quote, a “pregnant ghetto whore for big black cocks.”

That is a weirdly specific fetish and I do not understand why everyone in the world seems to have it. I am also worried because I seem to be absurdly attractive to cuckold fetishists, and yet in my private life I have never done any sort of cuckolding roleplay. Have all my partners been into cuckolding and not told me? Have I left them sexually unsatisfied? THIS IS A SERIOUS CONCERN!